described her beauty to me, as if in order to excuse
himself for having become the slave to her he was.
I suppose she was very beautiful. He said that
she had a physical charm so intense that few men could
resist it, that she was famous throughout Europe for
it. He told me that she was not a good woman.
I gathered that she lived for pleasure, admiration,
that she had allowed many men to love her before he
knew her. But she had loved him genuinely.
She was not a very young woman, and she was not a
married woman. He said that she was a woman men
loved but did not marry, a woman who was loved by the
husbands of married women, a woman to marry whom would
exclude a man from the society of good women.
She had never lived, or thought of living, for one
man till he came into her life. Nor had he ever
dreamed of living for one woman. He had lived
to gain experience; she too. But when he met
her—knowing thoroughly all she was—all
other women ceased to exist for him. He became
her slave. Then jealousy awoke in him, jealousy
of all the men who had been in her life, who might
be in her life again. He was tortured by loving
such a woman—a woman who had belonged to
many, who would no doubt in the future belong to others.
For despite the fact that she loved him he told me
that at first he had no illusions about her. He
knew the world too well for that, and he cursed the
fate that had bound him body and soul to what he called
a courtesan. Even the fact that she loved him
at first did not blind him to the effect upon character
that her life must inevitably have had. She had
dwelt in an atmosphere of lies, he said, and to lie
was nothing to her. Any original refinement of
feeling as regards human relations that she might have
had had become dulled, if it had not been destroyed.
At first he blindly, miserably, resigned himself to
this. He said to himself, ’Fate has led
me to love this sort of woman. I must accept
her as she is, with all her defects, with her instinct
for treachery, with her passion for the admiration
of the world, with her incapability for being true
to an ideal, or for isolating herself in the adoration
of one man. I cannot get away from her.
She has me fast. I cannot live without her.
Then I must bear the torture that jealousy of her
will certainly bring me in silence. I must conceal
it. I must try to kill it. I must make the
best of whatever she will give me, knowing that she
can never, with her nature and her training, be exclusively
mine as a good woman might be.’ This he
said to himself. This plan of conduct he traced
for himself. But he soon found that he was not
strong enough to keep to it. His jealousy was
a devouring fire, and he could not conceal it.
Domini, he described to me minutely the effect of
jealousy in a human heart. I had never imagined
what it was, and, when he described it, I felt as if
I looked down into a bottomless pit lined with the
flames of hell. By the depth of that pit I measured
the depth of his passion for this woman, and I gained