medical men was now great. Except for his deformity
he might have enlisted in one of the yeomanry regiments
which were constantly being sent out. He went
to the secretary of the Medical School and asked if
he could give him the coaching of some backward student;
but the secretary held out no hope of getting him
anything of the sort. Philip read the advertisement
columns of the medical papers, and he applied for
the post of unqualified assistant to a man who had
a dispensary in the Fulham Road. When he went
to see him, he saw the doctor glance at his club-foot;
and on hearing that Philip was only in his fourth
year at the hospital he said at once that his experience
was insufficient: Philip understood that this
was only an excuse; the man would not have an assistant
who might not be as active as he wanted. Philip
turned his attention to other means of earning money.
He knew French and German and thought there might
be some chance of finding a job as correspondence
clerk; it made his heart sink, but he set his teeth;
there was nothing else to do. Though too shy to
answer the advertisements which demanded a personal
application, he replied to those which asked for letters;
but he had no experience to state and no recommendations:
he was conscious that neither his German nor his French
was commercial; he was ignorant of the terms used in
business; he knew neither shorthand nor typewriting.
He could not help recognising that his case was hopeless.
He thought of writing to the solicitor who had been
his father’s executor, but he could not bring
himself to, for it was contrary to his express advice
that he had sold the mortgages in which his money
had been invested. He knew from his uncle that
Mr. Nixon thoroughly disapproved of him. He had
gathered from Philip’s year in the accountant’s
office that he was idle and incompetent.
“I’d sooner starve,” Philip muttered
to himself.
Once or twice the possibility of suicide presented
itself to him; it would be easy to get something from
the hospital dispensary, and it was a comfort to think
that if the worst came to the worst he had at hand
means of making a painless end of himself; but it
was not a course that he considered seriously.
When Mildred had left him to go with Griffiths his
anguish had been so great that he wanted to die in
order to get rid of the pain. He did not feel
like that now. He remembered that the Casualty
Sister had told him how people oftener did away with
themselves for want of money than for want of love;
and he chuckled when he thought that he was an exception.
He wished only that he could talk his worries over
with somebody, but he could not bring himself to confess
them. He was ashamed. He went on looking
for work. He left his rent unpaid for three weeks,
explaining to his landlady that he would get money
at the end of the month; she did not say anything,
but pursed her lips and looked grim. When the
end of the month came and she asked if it would be
convenient for him to pay something on account, it
made him feel very sick to say that he could not;
he told her he would write to his uncle and was sure
to be able to settle his bill on the following Saturday.