stroking her cat, who always went to him, and telling
her that he meant to be a sculptor, but that his guardian
objected, so that, of course, he could not start till
he was of age. The lamp on the table had a rose-coloured
shade; he had been rowing—a very cold day—and
his face was glowing; generally it was rather pale.
And suddenly he smiled, and said: “It’s
rotten waiting for things, isn’t it?”
It was then she had almost stretched out her hands
to draw his forehead to her lips. She had thought
then that she wanted to kiss him, because it would
have been so nice to be his mother—she might
just have been his mother, if she had married at sixteen.
But she had long known now that she wanted to kiss,
not his forehead, but his lips. He was there
in her life—a fire in a cold and unaired
house; it had even become hard to understand that
she could have gone on all these years without him.
She had missed him so those six weeks of the Easter
vacation, she had revelled so in his three queer little
letters, half-shy, half-confidential; kissed them,
and worn them in her dress! And in return had
written him long, perfectly correct epistles in her
still rather quaint English. She had never let
him guess her feelings; the idea that he might shocked
her inexpressibly. When the summer term began,
life seemed to be all made up of thoughts of him.
If, ten years ago, her baby had lived, if its cruel
death—after her agony—had not
killed for good her wish to have another; if for years
now she had not been living with the knowledge that
she had no warmth to expect, and that love was all
over for her; if life in the most beautiful of all
old cities had been able to grip her—there
would have been forces to check this feeling.
But there was nothing in the world to divert the current.
And she was so brimful of life, so conscious of vitality
running to sheer waste. Sometimes it had been
terrific, that feeling within her, of wanting to live—to
find outlet for her energy. So many hundreds
of lonely walks she had taken during all these years,
trying to lose herself in Nature—hurrying
alone, running in the woods, over the fields, where
people did not come, trying to get rid of that sense
of waste, trying once more to feel as she had felt
when a girl, with the whole world before her.
It was not for nothing that her figure was superb,
her hair so bright a brown, her eyes so full of light.
She had tried many distractions. Work in the
back streets, music, acting, hunting; given them up
one after the other; taken to them passionately again.
They had served in the past. But this year
they had not served. . . . One Sunday, coming
from confession unconfessed, she had faced herself.
It was wicked. She would have to kill this
feeling—must fly from this boy who moved
her so! If she did not act quickly, she would
be swept away. And then the thought had come:
Why not? Life was to be lived—not
torpidly dozed through in this queer cultured place,