of her for whom he had bartered away his life—the
incarnation of passive and entwining love, that gentle
creature, who had given herself to him so utterly,
for whom love, and the flowers, and trees, and birds,
music, the sky, and the quick-flowing streams, were
all-sufficing; and who, like the goddess in the picture,
seemed wondering at her own existence. He had
a sudden glimpse of understanding, strange indeed
in one who had so little power of seeing into others’
hearts: Ought she ever to have been born into
a world like this? But the flash of insight
yielded quickly to that sickening consciousness of
his own position, which never left him now. Whatever
else he did, he must get rid of that malaise!
But what could he do in that coming life? Write
books? What sort of books could he write?
Only such as expressed his views of citizenship,
his political and social beliefs. As well remain
sitting and speaking beneath those towers! He
could never join the happy band of artists, those soft
and indeterminate spirits, for whom barriers had no
meaning, content-to understand, interpret, and create.
What should he be doing in that galley? The
thought was inconceivable. A career at the Bar—yes,
he might take that up; but to what end? To become
a judge! As well continue to sit beneath those
towers! Too late for diplomacy. Too late
for the Army; besides, he had not the faintest taste
for military glory. Bury himself in the country
like Uncle Dennis, and administer one of his father’s
estates? It would be death. Go amongst
the poor? For a moment he thought he had found
a new vocation. But in what capacity—to
order their lives, when he himself could not order
his own; or, as a mere conduit pipe for money, when
he believed that charity was rotting the nation to
its core? At the head of every avenue stood
an angel or devil with drawn sword. And then
there came to him another thought. Since he was
being cast forth from Church and State, could he not
play the fallen spirit like a man—be Lucifer,
and destroy! And instinctively he at once saw
himself returning to those towers, and beneath them
crossing the floor; joining the revolutionaries, the
Radicals, the freethinkers, scourging his present
Party, the party of authority and institutions.
The idea struck him as supremely comic, and he laughed
out loud in the street....
The Club which Lord Dennis frequented was in St. James’s
untouched by the tides of the waters of fashion—steadily
swinging to its moorings in a quiet backwater, and
Miltoun found his uncle in the library. He was
reading a volume of Burton’s travels, and drinking
tea.
“Nobody comes here,” he said, “so,
in spite of that word on the door, we shall talk.
Waiter, bring some more tea, please.”
Impatiently, but with a sort of pity, Miltoun watched
Lord Dennis’s urbane movements, wherein old
age was, pathetically, trying to make each little
thing seem important, if only to the doer. Nothing
his great-uncle could say would outweigh the warning
of his picturesque old figure! To be a bystander;
to see it all go past you; to let your sword rust
in its sheath, as this poor old fellow had done!
The notion of explaining what he had come about was
particularly hateful to Miltoun; but since he had
given his word, he nerved himself with secret anger,
and began: