2

But Noel did not go east; she walked down Regent Street.  She had received a certain measure of comfort, been steadied by her experienced cousin’s vitality, and the new thoughts suggested by those words:  “He hasn’t quite gone from you, has he?” “Besides, it’s war-time.”  Leila had spoken freely, too, and the physical ignorance in which the girl had been groping these last weeks was now removed.  Like most proud natures, she did not naturally think much about the opinion of other people; besides, she knew nothing of the world, its feelings and judgments.  Her nightmare was the thought of her father’s horror and grief.  She tried to lessen that nightmare by remembering his opposition to her marriage, and the resentment she had felt.  He had never realised, never understood, how she and Cyril loved.  Now, if she were really going to have a child, it would be Cyril’s—­Cyril’s son—­Cyril over again.  The instinct stronger than reason, refinement, tradition, upbringing, which had pushed her on in such haste to make sure of union—­the irrepressible pulse of life faced with annihilation—­seemed to revive within her, and make her terrible secret almost precious.  She had read about “War babies” in the papers, read with a dull curiosity; but now the atmosphere, as it were, of those writings was illumined for her.  These babies were wrong, were a “problem,” and yet, behind all that, she seemed now to know that people were glad of them; they made up, they filled the gaps.  Perhaps, when she had one, she would be proud, secretly proud, in spite of everyone, in spite of her father!  They had tried to kill Cyril—­God and everyone; but they hadn’t been able, he was alive within her!  A glow came into her face, walking among the busy shopping crowd, and people turned to look at her; she had that appearance of seeing no one, nothing, which is strange and attractive to those who have a moment to spare from contemplation of their own affairs.  Fully two hours she wandered thus, before going in, and only lost that exalted feeling when, in her own little room, she had taken up his photograph, and was sitting on her bed gazing at it.  She had a bad breakdown then.  Locked in there, she lay on her bed, crying, dreadfully lonely, till she fell asleep exhausted, with the tear-stained photograph clutched in her twitching fingers.  She woke with a start.  It was dark, and someone was knocking on her door.

“Miss Noel!”

Childish perversity kept her silent.  Why couldn’t they leave her alone?  They would leave her alone if they knew.  Then she heard another kind of knocking, and her father’s voice: 

“Nollie!  Nollie!”

She scrambled up, and opened.  He looked scared, and her heart smote her.

“It’s all right, Daddy; I was asleep.”

“My dear, I’m sorry, but dinner’s ready.”

“I don’t want any dinner; I think I’ll go to bed.”

The frown between his brows deepened.