Telegram

Army Headquarters (date)
mark Twain, New York,—­Would you consider a proposal to talk at Carnegie Hall for the benefit of the Robert Fulton Monument Association, of which you are a Vice President, for a fee of a thousand dollars? 
F. D. Grant,
President,
Fulton Monument Association.

Telegraphic Answer: 

Major-general F. D. Grant, Army Headquarters,—­I shall be glad to do it,
but I must stipulate that you keep the thousand dollars and add it to the
Monument fund as my contribution. 
          
                              Clemens.

Letters: 

Dear Mr. Clemens,—­You have the thanks of the Association, and the terms
shall be as you say.  But why give all of it?  Why not reserve a portion
—­why should you do this work wholly without compensation? 
                                   Truly yours
                                        Fred. D. Grant.

Major general Grant, Army Headquarters.

Dear general,—­Because I stopped talking for pay a good many years ago, and I could not resume the habit now without a great deal of personal discomfort.  I love to hear myself talk, because I get so much instruction and moral upheaval out of it, but I lose the bulk of this joy when I charge for it.  Let the terms stand.

General, if I have your approval, I wish to use this good occasion to
retire permanently from the platform. 
                                   Truly yours
                                             S. L. Clemens.

Dear Mr. Clemens,—­Certainly.  But as an old friend, permit me to say,
Don’t do that.  Why should you?—­you are not old yet. 
                              Yours truly,
                                        Fred D. Grant.

Dear general,—­I mean the pay-platform; I shan’t retire from the gratis-platform until after I am dead and courtesy requires me to keep still and not disturb the others.

What shall I talk about?   My idea is this:  to instruct the audience about
Robert Fulton, and.....   Tell me--was that his real name, or was it his
nom de plume?   However, never mind, it is not important—­I can skip it,
and the house will think I knew all about it, but forgot.   Could you find
out for me if he was one of the Signers of the Declaration, and which
one?   But if it is any trouble, let it alone, I can skip it.   Was he out
with Paul Jones?   Will you ask Horace Porter?   And ask him if he brought
both of them home.   These will be very interesting facts, if they can be
established.   But never mind, don’t trouble Porter, I can establish them
anyway.   The way I look at it, they are historical gems—­gems of the very
first water.

Well, that is my idea, as I have said:  first,