I should feel obliged to stipulate that Marshal Serrano be reduced to the rank of constable, or even roundsman.  He is no longer fit to be City Marshal.  A man who refused to be king because he was too old and feeble, is ill qualified to help sick people to the station-house when they are armed and their form of delirium tremens is of the exuberant and demonstrative kind.

I should also require that a force be sent to chase the late Queen Isabella out of France.  Her presence there can work no advantage to Spain, and she ought to be made to move at once; though, poor thing, she has been chaste enough heretofore—­for a Spanish woman.

I should also require that—­

I am at this moment authoritatively informed that “The Tribune” did not mean me, after all.  Very well, I do not care two cents.

THE APPROACHING EPIDEMIC

One calamity to which the death of Mr. Dickens dooms this country has not awakened the concern to which its gravity entitles it.  We refer to the fact that the nation is to be lectured to death and read to death all next winter, by Tom, Dick, and Harry, with poor lamented Dickens for a pretext.  All the vagabonds who can spell will afflict the people with “readings” from Pickwick and Copperfield, and all the insignificants who have been ennobled by the notice of the great novelist or transfigured by his smile will make a marketable commodity of it now, and turn the sacred reminiscence to the practical use of procuring bread and butter.  The lecture rostrums will fairly swarm with these fortunates.  Already the signs of it are perceptible.  Behold how the unclean creatures are wending toward the dead lion and gathering to the feast: 

“Reminiscences of Dickens.”  A lecture.  By John Smith, who heard him read eight times.

“Remembrances of Charles Dickens.”  A lecture.  By John Jones, who saw him once in a street car and twice in a barber shop.

“Recollections of Mr. Dickens.”  A lecture.  By John Brown, who gained a wide fame by writing deliriously appreciative critiques and rhapsodies upon the great author’s public readings; and who shook hands with the great author upon various occasions, and held converse with him several times.

“Readings from Dickens.”  By John White, who has the great delineator’s style and manner perfectly, having attended all his readings in this country and made these things a study, always practising each reading before retiring, and while it was hot from the great delineator’s lips.  Upon this occasion Mr. W. will exhibit the remains of a cigar which he saw Mr. Dickens smoke.  This Relic is kept in a solid silver box made purposely for it.

“Sights and Sounds of the Great Novelist.”  A popular lecture.  By John Gray, who waited on his table all the time he was at the Grand Hotel, New York, and still has in his possession and will exhibit to the audience a fragment of the Last Piece of Bread which the lamented author tasted in this country.