“There was a good deal of honest snickering turned on this time, and considerable groaning, and one or two old deacons got up and went out.  The showman grated his teeth, and cursed the piano man to himself; but the fellow sat there like a knot on a log, and seemed to think he was doing first-rate.

“After things got quiet the showman thought he would make one more stagger at it, anyway, though his confidence was beginning to get mighty shaky.  The supes started the panorama grinding along again, and he says: 

“’Ladies and gentlemen, this exquisite painting represents the raising of Lazarus from the dead by our Saviour.  The subject has been handled with marvelous skill by the artist, and such touching sweetness and tenderness of expression has he thrown into it that I have known peculiarly sensitive persons to be even affected to tears by looking at it.  Observe the half-confused, half-inquiring look upon the countenance of the awakened Lazarus.  Observe, also, the attitude and expression of the Saviour, who takes him gently by the sleeve of his shroud with one hand, while He points with the other toward the distant city.’

“Before anybody could get off an opinion in the case the innocent old ass at the piano struck up: 

                    “Come rise up, William Ri-i-ley,
                    And go along with me!

“Whe-ew!  All the solemn old flats got up in a huff to go, and everybody else laughed till the windows rattled.

“The showman went down and grabbed the orchestra and shook him up and says: 

“’That lets you out, you know, you chowder-headed old clam.  Go to the doorkeeper and get your money, and cut your stick—­vamose the ranch!  Ladies and gentlemen, circumstances over which I have no control compel me prematurely to dismiss the house.’”

Curing A cold—­[Written about 1864]

It is a good thing, perhaps, to write for the amusement of the public, but it is a far higher and nobler thing to write for their instruction, their profit, their actual and tangible benefit.  The latter is the sole object of this article.  If it prove the means of restoring to health one solitary sufferer among my race, of lighting up once more the fire of hope and joy in his faded eyes, or bringing back to his dead heart again the quick, generous impulses of other days, I shall be amply rewarded for my labor; my soul will be permeated with the sacred delight a Christian. feels when he has done a good, unselfish deed.

Having led a pure and blameless life, I am justified in believing that no man who knows me will reject the suggestions I am about to make, out of fear that I am trying to deceive him.  Let the public do itself the honor to read my experience in doctoring a cold, as herein set forth, and then follow in my footsteps.