Chief among these, and, indeed, the only one I just now think of, is their great care while doing business to avoid disturbing people’s sleep.

Noiseless as they may be while at work, however, the effect of their visitation is to murder sleep later on.

Now we are prepared for these visitors.  All sorts of alarm devices have been put in the house, and the ground for half a mile around it has been electrified.  The burglar who steps within this danger zone will set loose a bedlam of sounds, and spring into readiness for action our elaborate system of defences.  As for the fate of the trespasser, do not seek to know that.  He will never be heard of more.

AUTHORS’ CLUB

          Addressat the dinner given in honor of Mr. Clemens, London,
          June, 1899

          Mr. Clemens was introduced by Sir Walter Besant.

It does not embarrass me to hear my books praised so much.  It only pleases and delights me.  I have not gone beyond the age when embarrassment is possible, but I have reached the age when I know how to conceal it.  It is such a satisfaction to me to hear Sir Walter Besant, who is much more capable than I to judge of my work, deliver a judgment which is such a contentment to my spirit.

Well, I have thought well of the books myself, but I think more of them now.  It charms me also to hear Sir Spencer Walpole deliver a similar judgment, and I shall treasure his remarks also.  I shall not discount the praises in any possible way.  When I report them to my family they shall lose nothing.  There are, however, certain heredities which come down to us which our writings of the present day may be traced to.  I, for instance, read the Walpole Letters when I was a boy.  I absorbed them, gathered in their grace, wit, and humor, and put them away to be used by-and-by.  One does that so unconsciously with things one really likes.  I am reminded now of what use those letters have been to me.

They must not claim credit in America for what was really written in another form so long ago.  They must only claim that I trimmed this, that, and the other, and so changed their appearance as to make them seem to be original.  You now see what modesty I have in stock.  But it has taken long practice to get it there.

But I must not stand here talking.  I merely meant to get up and give my thanks for the pleasant things that preceding speakers have said of me.  I wish also to extend my thanks to the Authors’ Club for constituting me a member, at a reasonable price per year, and for giving me the benefit of your legal adviser.