I am now on my way to my own country to run for the presidency because there are not yet enough candidates in the field, and those who have entered are too much hampered by their own principles, which are prejudices.

I propose to go there to purify the political atmosphere.  I am in favor of everything everybody is in favor of.  What you should do is to satisfy the whole nation, not half of it, for then you would only be half a President.

There could not be a broader platform than mine.  I am in favor of anything and everything—­of temperance and intemperance, morality and qualified immorality, gold standard and free silver.

I have tried all sorts of things, and that is why I want to by the great position of ruler of a country.  I have been in turn reporter, editor, publisher, author, lawyer, burglar.  I have worked my way up, and wish to continue to do so.

I read to-day in a magazine article that Christendom issued last year fifty-five thousand new books.  Consider what that means!  Fifty-five thousand new books meant fifty-four thousand new authors.  We are going to have them all on our hands to take care of sooner or later.  Therefore, double your, subscriptions to the literary fund!

DISAPPEARANCE OF LITERATURE

          Addressat the dinner of the nineteenth century club, at
          SHERRY’S, new York, November 20, 1900

Mr. Clemens spoke to the toast “The Disappearance of Literature.”  Doctor Gould presided, and in introducing Mr. Clemens said that he (the speaker), when in Germany, had to do a lot of apologizing for a certain literary man who was taking what the Germans thought undue liberties with their language.

It wasn’t necessary for your chairman to apologize for me in Germany.  It wasn’t necessary at all.  Instead of that he ought to have impressed upon those poor benighted Teutons the service I rendered them.  Their language had needed untangling for a good many years.  Nobody else seemed to want to take the job, and so I took it, and I flatter myself that I made a pretty good job of it.  The Germans have an inhuman way of cutting up their verbs.  Now a verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it’s all together.  It’s downright inhuman to split it up.  But that’s just what those Germans do.  They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in German.  I maintain that there is no necessity for apologizing for a man who helped in a small way to stop such mutilation.