The pawnbroker gave us an old derringer with a bullet as big as a hickory nut.  When he heard that it was only a poet that was going to kill himself he did not quibble.  Well, we succeeded in sending a bullet right through his head.  It was a terrible moment when he placed that pistol against his forehead and stood for an instant.  I said, “Oh, pull the trigger!” and he did, and cleaned out all the gray matter in his brains.  It carried the poetic faculty away, and now he’s a useful member of society.

Now, therefore, I realize that there’s no more beneficent institution than this penny fund of yours, and I want all the poets to know this.  I did think about writing you a check, but now I think I’ll send you a few copies of what one of your little members called ‘Strawberry Finn’.

PUBLIC EDUCATION ASSOCIATION

          Addressat A meeting of the Berkeley lyceum, new York,
          November 23, 1900

I don’t suppose that I am called here as an expert on education, for that would show a lack of foresight on your part and a deliberate intention to remind me of my shortcomings.

As I sat here looking around for an idea it struck me that I was called for two reasons.  One was to do good to me, a poor unfortunate traveller on the world’s wide ocean, by giving me a knowledge of the nature and scope of your society and letting me know that others beside myself have been of some use in the world.  The other reason that I can see is that you have called me to show by way of contrast what education can accomplish if administered in the right sort of doses.

Your worthy president said that the school pictures, which have received the admiration of the world at the Paris Exposition, have been sent to Russia, and this was a compliment from that Government—­which is very surprising to me.  Why, it is only an hour since I read a cablegram in the newspapers beginning “Russia Proposes to Retrench.”  I was not expecting such a thunderbolt, and I thought what a happy thing it will be for Russians when the retrenchment will bring home the thirty thousand Russian troops now in Manchuria, to live in peaceful pursuits.  I thought this was what Germany should do also without delay, and that France and all the other nations in China should follow suit.

Why should not China be free from the foreigners, who are only making trouble on her soil?  If they would only all go home, what a pleasant place China would be for the Chinese!  We do not allow Chinamen to come here, and I say in all seriousness that it would be a graceful thing to let China decide who shall go there.

China never wanted foreigners any more than foreigners wanted Chinamen, and on this question I am with the Boxers every time.  The Boxer is a patriot.  He loves his country better than he does the countries of other people.  I wish him success.  The Boxer believes in driving us out of his country.  I am a Boxer too, for I believe in driving him out of our country.