It is a thing worth doing that is done here.  You have seen the children play.  You saw how little Sally reformed her burglar.  She could reform any burglar.  She could reform me.  This is the only school in which can be taught the highest and most difficult lessons—­morals.  In other schools the way of teaching morals is revolting.  Here the children who come in thousands live through each part.

They are terribly anxious for the villain to get his bullet, and that I take to be a humane and proper sentiment.  They spend freely the ten cents that is not saved without a struggle.  It comes out of the candy money, and the money that goes for chewing-gum and other necessaries of life.  They make the sacrifice freely.  This is the only school which they are sorry to leave.

POETS AS POLICEMEN

          Mr. Clemens was one of the speakers at the Lotos Club dinner to
          Governor Odell, March 24, 1900.  The police problem was
          referred to at length.

Let us abolish policemen who carry clubs and revolvers, and put in a squad of poets armed to the teeth with poems on Spring and Love.  I would be very glad to serve as commissioner, not because I think I am especially qualified, but because I am too tired to work and would like to take a rest.

Howells would go well as my deputy.  He is tired too, and needs a rest badly.

I would start in at once to elevate, purify, and depopulate the red-light district.  I would assign the most soulful poets to that district, all heavily armed with their poems.  Take Chauncey Depew as a sample.  I would station them on the corners after they had rounded up all the depraved people of the district so they could not escape, and then have them read from their poems to the poor unfortunates.  The plan would be very effective in causing an emigration of the depraved element.

PUDD’NHEAD WILSON DRAMATIZED

When Mr. Clemens arrived from Europe in 1895 one of the first things he did was to see the dramatization of Pudd’nhead Wilson.  The audience becoming aware of the fact that Mr. Clemens was in the house called upon him for a speech.

Never in my life have I been able to make a speech without preparation, and I assure you that this position in which I find myself is one totally unexpected.

I have been hemmed in all day by William Dean Howells and other frivolous persons, and I have been talking about everything in the world except that of which speeches are constructed.  Then, too, seven days on the water is not conducive to speech-making.  I will only say that I congratulate Mr. Mayhew; he has certainly made a delightful play out of my rubbish.  His is a charming gift.  Confidentially I have always had an idea that I was well equipped to write plays, but I have never encountered a manager who has agreed with me.