I am pleased to see that we have a cessation of war for the time.  This coming from me, a soldier, you will appreciate.  I was a soldier in the Southern war for two weeks, and when gentlemen get up to speak of the great deeds our army and navy have recently done, why, it goes all through me and fires up the old war spirit.  I had in my first engagement three horses shot under me.  The next ones went over my head, the next hit me in the back.  Then I retired to meet an engagement.

I thank you, gentlemen, for making even a slight reference to the war profession, in which I distinguished myself, short as my career was.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

          The American Society in London gave a banquet, July 4, 1907, at
          the Hotel Cecil.  Ambassador Choate called on Mr. Clemens to
          respond to the toast “The Day We Celebrate.”

Mr. Chairman, my Lord, and gentlemen,—­Once more it happens, as it has happened so often since I arrived in England a week or two ago, that instead of celebrating the Fourth of July properly as has been indicated, I have to first take care of my personal character.  Sir Mortimer Durand still remains unconvinced.  Well, I tried to convince these people from the beginning that I did not take the Ascot Cup; and as I have failed to convince anybody that I did not take the cup, I might as well confess I did take it and be done with it.  I don’t see why this uncharitable feeling should follow me everywhere, and why I should have that crime thrown up to me on all occasions.  The tears that I have wept over it ought to have created a different feeling than this—­and, besides, I don’t think it is very right or fair that, considering England has been trying to take a cup of ours for forty years—­I don’t see why they should take so much trouble when I tried to go into the business myself.

Sir Mortimer Durand, too, has had trouble from going to a dinner here, and he has told you what he suffered in consequence.  But what did he suffer?  He only missed his train, and one night of discomfort, and he remembers it to this day.  Oh! if you could only think what I have suffered from a similar circumstance.  Two or three years ago, in New York, with that Society there which is made up of people from all British Colonies, and from Great Britain generally, who were educated in British colleges and.  British schools, I was there to respond to a toast of some kind or other, and I did then what I have been in the habit of doing, from a selfish motive, for a long time, and that is, I got myself placed No, 3 in the list of speakers—­then you get home early.

I had to go five miles up-river, and had to catch a, particular train or not get there.  But see the magnanimity which is born in me, which I have cultivated all my life.  A very famous and very great British clergyman came to me presently, and he said:  “I am away down in the list; I have got to catch a certain train this Saturday night; if I don’t catch that train I shall be carried beyond midnight and break the Sabbath.  Won’t you change places with me?” I said:  “Certainly I will.”  I did it at once.  Now, see what happened.