He had not had my experience, and could not do that.  He came on the platform, held his manuscript down, and began with a beautiful piece of oratory.  He spoke something like this: 

“When a lonely human being, a pigmy in the midst of the architecture of nature, stands solitary on those icy waters and looks abroad to the horizon and sees mighty castles and temples of eternal ice raising up their pinnacles tipped by the pencil of the departing sun—­”

Here a man came across the platform and touched him on the shoulder, and said:  “One minute.”  And then to the audience: 

“Is Mrs. John Smith in the house?  Her husband has slipped on the ice and broken his leg.”

And you could see the Mrs. John Smiths get up everywhere and drift out of the house, and it made great gaps everywhere.  Then Doctor Hayes began again:  “When a lonely man, a pigmy in the architecture—­” The janitor came in again and shouted:  “It is not Mrs. John Smith!  It is Mrs. John Jones!”

Then all the Mrs. Jones got up and left.  Once more the speaker started, and was in the midst of the sentence when he was interrupted again, and the result was that the lecture was not delivered.  But the lecturer interviewed the janitor afterward in a private room, and of the fragments of the janitor they took “twelve basketsful.”

Now, I don’t want to sit down just in this way.  I have been talking with so much levity that I have said no serious thing, and you are really no better or wiser, although Robert Buchanan has suggested that I am a person who deals in wisdom.  I have said nothing which would make you better than when you came here.

I should be sorry to sit down without having said one serious word which you can carry home and relate to your children and the old people who are not able to get away.

And this is just a little maxim which has saved me from many a difficulty and many a disaster, and in times of tribulation and uncertainty has come to my rescue, as it shall to yours if you observe it as I do day and night.

I always use it in an emergency, and you can take it home as a legacy from me, and it is “When in doubt, tell the truth.”

THE ASCOT GOLD CUP

The news of Mr. Clemens’s arrival in England in June, 1907, was announced in the papers with big headlines.  Immediately following the announcement was the news—­also with big headlines—­that the Ascot Gold Cup had been stolen the same day.  The combination, mark twain arrives-Ascot cup stolen, amused the public.  The Lord Mayor of London gave a banquet at the Mansion House in honor of Mr. Clemens.

I do assure you that I am not so dishonest as I look.  I have been so busy trying to rehabilitate my honor about that Ascot Cup that I have had no time to prepare a speech.

I was not so honest in former days as I am now, but I have always been reasonably honest.  Well, you know how a man is influenced by his surroundings.  Once upon a time I went to a public meeting where the oratory of a charitable worker so worked on my feelings that, in common with others, I would have dropped something substantial in the hat—­if it had come round at that moment.