To the Ohio society,—­I have at this moment received a most kind invitation (eleven days old) from Mr. Southard, president; and a like one (ten days old) from Mr. Bryant, president of the Press Club.  I thank the society cordially for the compliment of these invitations, although I am booked elsewhere and cannot come.

     But, oh, I should like to know the name of the Lightning Express by
     which they were forwarded; for I owe a friend a dozen chickens, and
     I believe it will be cheaper to send eggs instead, and let them
     develop on the road. 
                    Sincerely yours,
                                        Mark twain.

I want to tell you of some of my experiences in business, and then I will be in a position to lay down one general rule for the guidance of those who want to succeed in business.  My first effort was about twenty-five years ago.  I took hold of an invention—­I don’t know now what it was all about, but some one came to me tend told me it was a good thing, and that there was lots of money in it.  He persuaded me to invest $15,000, and I lived up to my beliefs by engaging a man to develop it.  To make a long story short, I sunk $40,000 in it.

Then I took up the publication of a book.  I called in a publisher and said to him:  “I want you to publish this book along lines which I shall lay down.  I am the employer, and you are the employee.  I am going to show them some new kinks in the publishing business.  And I want you to draw on me for money as you go along,” which he did.  He drew on me for $56,000.  Then I asked him to take the book and call it off.  But he refused to do that.

My next venture was with a machine for doing something or other.  I knew less about that than I did about the invention.  But I sunk $170,000 in the business, and I can’t for the life of me recollect what it was the machine was to do.

I was still undismayed.  You see, one of the strong points about my business life was that I never gave up.  I undertook to publish General Grant’s book, and made $140,000 in six months.  My axiom is, to succeed in business:  avoid my example.

CARNEGIE THE BENEFACTOR

At the dinner given in honor of Andrew Carnegie by the Lotos Club, March 17, 1909, Mr. Clemens appeared in a white suit from head to feet.  He wore a white double-breasted coat, white trousers, and white shoes.  The only relief was a big black cigar, which he confidentially informed the company was not from his usual stack bought at $3 per barrel.

The State of Missouri has for its coat of arms a barrel-head with two Missourians, one on each side of it, and mark the motto—­“United We Stand, Divided We Fall.”  Mr. Carnegie, this evening, has suffered from compliments.  It is interesting to hear what people will say about a man.  Why, at the banquet given by this club in my honor, Mr. Carnegie had the inspiration for which the club is now honoring him.  If Dunfermline contributed so much to the United States in contributing Mr. Carnegie, what would have happened if all Scotland had turned out?  These Dunfermline folk have acquired advantages in coming to America.