With him as our guide we have traversed alike the Mississippi and the Sea of Galilee.  At his bidding we have laughed at a thousand absurdities.  By a laborious process of reasoning he has convinced us that the Egyptian mummies are actually dead.  He has held us spellbound upon the plain at the foot of the great Sphinx, and we have joined him in weeping bitter tears at the tomb of Adam.  To-night we greet him in the flesh.  What name is there in literature that can be likened to his?  Perhaps some of the distinguished gentlemen about this table can tell us, but I know of none.  Himself his only parallel!”

Mr. President, gentlemen, and my fellow-members of the lotos club,—­I have seldom in my lifetime listened to compliments so felicitously phrased or so well deserved.  I return thanks for them from a full heart and an appreciative spirit, and I will say this in self-defence:  While I am charged with having no reverence for anything, I wish to say that I have reverence for the man who can utter such truths, and I also have a deep reverence and a sincere one for a club that can do such justice to me.  To be the chief guest of such a club is something to be envied, and if I read your countenances rightly I am envied.  I am glad to see this club in such palatial quarters.  I remember it twenty years ago when it was housed in a stable.

Now when I was studying for the ministry there were two or three things that struck my attention particularly.  At the first banquet mentioned in history that other prodigal son who came back from his travels was invited to stand up and have his say.  They were all there, his brethren, David and Goliath, and—­er, and if he had had such experience as I have had he would have waited until those other people got through talking.  He got up and testified to all his failings.  Now if he had waited before telling all about his riotous living until the others had spoken he might not have given himself away as he did, and I think that I would give myself away if I should go on.  I think I’d better wait until the others hand in their testimony; then if it is necessary for me to make an explanation, I will get up and explain, and if I cannot do that, I’ll deny it happened.

Later in the evening Mr. Clemens made another speech, replying to a fire of short speeches by Charles Dudley Warner, Charles A. Dana, Seth Low, General Porter, and many others, each welcoming the guest of honor.

I don’t see that I have a great deal to explain.  I got off very well, considering the opportunities that these other fellows had.  I don’t see that Mr. Low said anything against me, and neither did Mr. Dana.  However, I will say that I never heard so many lies told in one evening as were told by Mr. McKelway—­and I consider myself very capable; but even in his case, when he got through, I was gratified by finding how much he hadn’t found out.  By accident he missed the very things that I didn’t want to have said, and now, gentlemen, about Americanism.