“Well, you are a precious crew, not to put it too strong.  I think I begin to see now why you have always been a trifle inconsistent with me.  In your anxiety to get all the juice you can out of a sin, you make a man repent of it in three or four different ways.  For instance, you found fault with me for lying to that tramp, and I suffered over that.  But it was only yesterday that I told a tramp the square truth, to wit, that, it being regarded as bad citizenship to encourage vagrancy, I would give him nothing.  What did you do then:  Why, you made me say to myself, ’Ah, it would have been so much kinder and more blameless to ease him off with a little white lie, and send him away feeling that if he could not have bread, the gentle treatment was at least something to be grateful for!’ Well, I suffered all day about that.  Three days before I had fed a tramp, and fed him freely, supposing it a virtuous act.  Straight off you said, ‘Oh, false citizen, to have fed a tramp!’ and I suffered as usual.  I gave a tramp work; you objected to it—­after the contract was made, of course; you never speak up beforehand.  Next, I refused a tramp work; you objected to that.  Next, I proposed to kill a tramp; you kept me awake all night, oozing remorse at every pore.  Sure I was going to be right this time, I sent the next tramp away with my benediction; and I wish you may live as long as I do, if you didn’t make me smart all night again because I didn’t kill him.  Is there any way of satisfying that malignant invention which is called a conscience?”

“Ha, ha! this is luxury!  Go on!”

“But come, now, answer me that question.  Is there any way?”

“Well, none that I propose to tell you, my son.  Ass!  I don’t care what act you may turn your hand to, I can straightway whisper a word in your ear and make you think you have committed a dreadful meanness.  It is my business—­and my joy—­to make you repent of everything you do.  If I have fooled away any opportunities it was not intentional; I beg to assure you it was not intentional!”

“Don’t worry; you haven’t missed a trick that I know of.  I never did a thing in all my life, virtuous or otherwise, that I didn’t repent of in twenty-four hours.  In church last Sunday I listened to a charity sermon.  My first impulse was to give three hundred and fifty dollars; I repented of that and reduced it a hundred; repented of that and reduced it another hundred; repented of that and reduced it another hundred; repented of that and reduced the remaining fifty to twenty-five; repented of that and came down to fifteen; repented of that and dropped to two dollars and a half; when the plate came around at last, I repented once more and contributed ten cents.  Well, when I got home, I did wish to goodness I had that ten cents back again!  You never did let me get through a charity sermon without having something to sweat about.”

“Oh, and I never shall, I never shall.  You can always depend on me.”