THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CONNECTICUT

by Mark Twain

I was feeling blithe, almost jocund.  I put a match to my cigar, and just then the morning’s mail was handed in.  The first superscription I glanced at was in a handwriting that sent a thrill of pleasure through and through me.  It was Aunt Mary’s; and she was the person I loved and honored most in all the world, outside of my own household.  She had been my boyhood’s idol; maturity, which is fatal to so many enchantments, had not been able to dislodge her from her pedestal; no, it had only justified her right to be there, and placed her dethronement permanently among the impossibilities.  To show how strong her influence over me was, I will observe that long after everybody else’s “do-stop-smoking” had ceased to affect me in the slightest degree, Aunt Mary could still stir my torpid conscience into faint signs of life when she touched upon the matter.  But all things have their limit in this world.  A happy day came at last, when even Aunt Mary’s words could no longer move me.  I was not merely glad to see that day arrive; I was more than glad—­I was grateful; for when its sun had set, the one alloy that was able to mar my enjoyment of my aunt’s society was gone.  The remainder of her stay with us that winter was in every way a delight.  Of course she pleaded with me just as earnestly as ever, after that blessed day, to quit my pernicious habit, but to no purpose whatever; the moment she opened the subject I at once became calmly, peacefully, contentedly indifferent—­absolutely, adamantinely indifferent.  Consequently the closing weeks of that memorable visit melted away as pleasantly as a dream, they were so freighted for me with tranquil satisfaction.  I could not have enjoyed my pet vice more if my gentle tormentor had been a smoker herself, and an advocate of the practice.  Well, the sight of her handwriting reminded me that I way getting very hungry to see her again.  I easily guessed what I should find in her letter.  I opened it.  Good! just as I expected; she was coming!  Coming this very day, too, and by the morning train; I might expect her any moment.

I said to myself, “I am thoroughly happy and content now.  If my most pitiless enemy could appear before me at this moment, I would freely right any wrong I may have done him.”

Straightway the door opened, and a shriveled, shabby dwarf entered.  He was not more than two feet high.  He seemed to be about forty years old.  Every feature and every inch of him was a trifle out of shape; and so, while one could not put his finger upon any particular part and say, “This is a conspicuous deformity,” the spectator perceived that this little person was a deformity as a whole—­a vague, general, evenly blended, nicely adjusted deformity.  There was a fox-like cunning in the face and the sharp little eyes, and also alertness and malice.