“Why I did not say Congress would expel anybody.”

“Well won’t it expel anybody?”

“Not necessarily.  Did it last year?  It never does.  That would not be regular.”

“Then why waste all the session in that tomfoolery of trying members?”

“It is usual; it is customary; the country requires it.”

“Then the country is a fool, I think.”

“Oh, no.  The country thinks somebody is going to be expelled.”

“Well, when nobody is expelled, what does the country think then?”

“By that time, the thing has strung out so long that the country is sick and tired of it and glad to have a change on any terms.  But all that inquiry is not lost.  It has a good moral effect.”

“Who does it have a good moral effect on?”

“Well—­I don’t know.  On foreign countries, I think.  We have always been under the gaze of foreign countries.  There is no country in the world, sir, that pursues corruption as inveterately as we do.  There is no country in the world whose representatives try each other as much as ours do, or stick to it as long on a stretch.  I think there is something great in being a model for the whole civilized world, Washington”

“You don’t mean a model; you mean an example.”

“Well, it’s all the same; it’s just the same thing.  It shows that a man can’t be corrupt in this country without sweating for it, I can tell you that.”

“Hang it, Colonel, you just said we never punish anybody for villainous practices.”

“But good God we try them, don’t we!  Is it nothing to show a disposition to sift things and bring people to a strict account?  I tell you it has its effect.”

“Oh, bother the effect!—­What is it they do do?  How do they proceed?  You know perfectly well—­and it is all bosh, too.  Come, now, how do they proceed?”

“Why they proceed right and regular—­and it ain’t bosh, Washington, it ain’t bosh.  They appoint a committee to investigate, and that committee hears evidence three weeks, and all the witnesses on one side swear that the accused took money or stock or something for his vote.  Then the accused stands up and testifies that he may have done it, but he was receiving and handling a good deal of money at the time and he doesn’t remember this particular circumstance—­at least with sufficient distinctness to enable him to grasp it tangibly.  So of course the thing is not proven—­and that is what they say in the verdict.  They don’t acquit, they don’t condemn.  They just say, ‘Charge not proven.’  It leaves the accused is a kind of a shaky condition before the country, it purifies Congress, it satisfies everybody, and it doesn’t seriously hurt anybody.  It has taken a long time to perfect our system, but it is the most admirable in the world, now.”

“So one of those long stupid investigations always turns out in that lame silly way.  Yes, you are correct.  I thought maybe you viewed the matter differently from other people.  Do you think a Congress of ours could convict the devil of anything if he were a member?”