The devil, who, as everybody knows, has more power in a church than anywhere else, put into my head the idea of enjoying my mistress by means of the door and stair.  I told her my plan the next day at the theatre.

“I have thought of it as well as you,” said she, laughing, “and I will give you the necessary instructions in writing; you will find them in the first gazette I send you.”

We could not continue this pleasant interview, as my mistress had with her a lady from Aix-la-Chapelle, who was staying with her for a few days.  And indeed the box was full of company.

I had not long to wait, for next day she gave me back the gazette openly, telling me that she had not found anything to interest her in it.  I knew that it would be exceedingly interesting to me.  Her note was as follows: 

“The design which love inspired is subject not to difficulty but uncertainty.  The wife only sleeps in the closet when her husband asks her—­an event which only occurs at certain periods, and the separation does not last for more than a few days.  This period is not far off, but long custom has made it impossible for the wife to impose on her husband.  It will, therefore, be necessary to wait.  Love will warn you when the hour of bliss has come.  The plan will be to hide in the church; and there must be no thought of seducing the door-keeper, for though poor he is too stupid to be bribed, and would betray the secret.  The only way will be to hide so as to elude his watchfulness.  He shuts the church at noon on working days; on feast days he shuts it at evening, and he always opens it again at dawn.  When the time comes, all that need be done is to give the door a gentle push-it will not be locked.  As the closet which is to be the scene of the blissful combat is only separated from the room by a partition, there must be no spitting, coughing, nor nose-blowing:  it would be fatal.  The escape will be a matter of no difficulty; one can go down to the church, and go out as soon as it is opened.  Since the beadle has seen nobody in the evening, it is not likely that he will see more in the morning.”

I kissed again and again this charming letter, which I thought shewed great power of mental combination, and I went next day to see how the coast lay:  this was the first thing to be done.  There was a chair in the church in which I should never have been seen, but the stair was on the sacristy side, and that was always locked up.  I decided on occupying the confessional, which was close to the door.  I could creep into the space beneath the confessor’s seat, but it was so small that I doubted my ability to stay there after the door was shut.  I waited till noon to make the attempt, and as soon as the church was empty I took up my position.  I had to roll myself up into a ball, and even then I was so badly concealed by the folding door that anyone happening to pass by at two paces distance might easily have seen me.  However I did not care for that, for in adventures of that nature one must leave a great deal to fortune.  Determined to run all risks I went home highly pleased with my observations.  I put everything I had determined down in writing, and sent it to her box at the theatre, enclosed in an old gazette.