along, feeling that her only safety lay in speed.
But she could not walk about all night. There
would be no train for Kestrel till the morning—and
did she really want to go there, and eat her heart
out? Suddenly she thought of George. Why
should she not go down to him? He would know
what was best for her to do. At the foot of the
steps below the Waterloo Column she stood still.
All was quiet there and empty, the great buildings
whitened, the trees blurred and blue; and sweeter air
was coming across their flowering tops. The
queer “fey” moony sensation was still
with her; so that she felt small and light, as if she
could have floated through a ring. Faint rims
of light showed round the windows of the Admiralty.
The war! However lovely the night, however sweet
the lilac smelt-that never stopped! She turned
away and passed out under the arch, making for the
station. The train of the wounded had just come
in, and she stood in the cheering crowd watching the
ambulances run out. Tears of excited emotion
filled her eyes, and trickled down. Steady,
smooth, grey, one after the other they came gliding,
with a little burst of cheers greeting each one.
All were gone now, and she could pass in. She
went to the buffet and got a large cup of coffee, and
a bun. Then, having noted the time of her early
morning train, she sought the ladies’ waiting-room,
and sitting down in a corner, took out her purse and
counted her money. Two pounds fifteen-enough
to go to the hotel, if she liked. But, without
luggage—it was so conspicuous, and she could
sleep in this corner all right, if she wanted.
What did girls do who had no money, and no friends
to go to? Tucked away in the corner of that empty,
heavy, varnished room, she seemed to see the cruelty
and hardness of life as she had never before seen
it, not even when facing her confinement. How
lucky she had been, and was! Everyone was good
to her. She had no real want or dangers, to
face. But, for women—yes, and men
too—who had no one to fall back on, nothing
but their own hands and health and luck, it must be
awful. That girl whose eyes had scorched her—perhaps
she had no one—nothing. And people
who were born ill, and the millions of poor women,
like those whom she had gone visiting with Gratian
sometimes in the poorer streets of her father’s
parish—for the first time she seemed to
really know and feel the sort of lives they led.
And then, Leila’s face came back to her once
more—Leila whom she had robbed. And
the worst of it was, that, alongside her remorseful
sympathy, she felt a sort of satisfaction. She
could not help his not loving Leila, she could not
help it if he loved herself! And he did—she
knew it! To feel that anyone loved her was so
comforting. But it was all awful! And she—the
cause of it! And yet—she had never
done or said anything to attract him. No!
She could not have helped it.