I have often met persons who have been altogether struck up and amazed at the accuracy with which some wandering Professor of Phrenology had read their characters written upon their skulls.  Of course the Professor acquires his information solely through his cranial inspections and manipulations.—­What are you laughing at? (to the boarders.)—­But let us just suppose, for a moment, that a tolerably cunning fellow, who did not know or care anything about Phrenology, should open a shop and undertake to read off people’s characters at fifty cents or a dollar apiece.  Let us see how well he could get along without the “organs.”

I will suppose myself to set up such a shop.  I would invest one hundred dollars, more or less, in casts of brains, skulls, charts, and other matters that would make the most show for the money.  That would do to begin with.  I would then advertise myself as the celebrated Professor Brainey, or whatever name I might choose, and wait for my first customer.  My first customer is a middle-aged man.  I look at him,—­ask him a question or two, so as to hear him talk.  When I have got the hang of him, I ask him to sit down, and proceed to fumble his skull, dictating as follows:  Scale from 1 to 10.

List of faculties for private notes for my pupil. 
      Customer. 
                             Each to be accompanied with a wink.

Amativeness, 7.  Most men love the conflicting sex, and all
                       men love to be told they do.

Alimentiveness, 8.  Don’t you see that he has burst off his
                       lowest waistcoat-button with feeding,—­hey

Acquisitiveness, 8.  Of course.  A middle-aged Yankee.

Approbativeness 7+.  Hat well brushed.  Hair ditto.  Mark the
                       effect of that plus sign.

Self-Esteem 6.  His face shows that.

Benevolence 9.  That’ll please him.

Conscientiousness 8 1/2 That fraction looks first-rate.

Mirthfulness 7 Has laughed twice since he came in.

Ideality 9 That sounds well.

Form, Size, Weight, 4 to 6.  Average everything that Color, Locality,
                       cannot be guessed.  Eventuality, etc. etc.

And so of the other faculties.

Of course, you know, that isn’t the way the Phrenologists do.  They go only by the bumps.—­What do you keep laughing so for? (to the boarders.) I only said that is the way I should practise “Phrenology” for a living.

End of my Lecture.

—­The Reformers have good heads, generally.  Their faces are commonly serene enough, and they are lambs in private intercourse, even though their voices may be like

         The wolf’s long howl from Oonalaska’s shore,