with me! It has all been delightful, but there
are excellent reasons why it should come to an end.”
“You have been playing a part, then,”
he had gasped out; “you never cared for me?”
“Yes; till I knew you; till I saw how far you
would go. But now the story’s finished;
we have reached the denoument. We will
close the book and be good friends.” “To
see how far I would go?” he had repeated.
“You led me on, meaning all the while to do
this!” “I led you on, if you will.
I received your visits, in season and out!
Sometimes they were very entertaining; sometimes they
bored me fearfully. But you were such a very
curious case of—what shall I call it?—of
sincerity, that I determined to take good and bad
together. I wanted to make you commit yourself
unmistakably. I should have preferred not to
bring you to this place; but that too was necessary.
Of course I can’t marry you; I can do better.
So can you, for that matter; thank your fate for it.
You have thought wonders of me for a month, but your
good-humour wouldn’t last. I am too old
and too wise; you are too young and too foolish.
It seems to me that I have been very good to you;
I have entertained you to the top of your bent, and,
except perhaps that I am a little brusque just now,
you have nothing to complain of. I would have
let you down more gently if I could have taken another
month to it; but circumstances have forced my hand.
Abuse me, curse me, if you like. I will make
every allowance!” Pickering listened to all
this intently enough to perceive that, as if by some
sudden natural cataclysm, the ground had broken away
at his feet, and that he must recoil. He turned
away in dumb amazement. “I don’t
know how I seemed to be taking it,” he said,
“but she seemed really to desire—I
don’t know why—something in the way
of reproach and vituperation. But I couldn’t,
in that way, have uttered a syllable. I was
sickened; I wanted to get away into the air—to
shake her off and come to my senses. ‘Have
you nothing, nothing, nothing to say?’ she cried,
as if she were disappointed, while I stood with my
hand on the door. ‘Haven’t I treated
you to talk enough?’ I believed I answered.
‘You will write to me then, when you get home?’
‘I think not,’ said I. ‘Six
months hence, I fancy, you will come and see me!’
‘Never!’ said I. ‘That’s
a confession of stupidity,’ she answered.
’It means that, even on reflection, you will
never understand the philosophy of my conduct.’
The word ‘philosophy’ seemed so strange
that I verily believe I smiled. ‘I have
given you all that you gave me,’ she went on.
’Your passion was an affair of the head.’
’I only wish you had told me sooner that you
considered it so!’ I exclaimed. And I went
my way. The next day I came down the Rhine.
I sat all day on the boat, not knowing where I was
going, where to get off. I was in a kind of ague
of terror; it seemed to me I had seen something infernal.
At last I saw the cathedral towers here looming over
the city. They seemed to say something to me,
and when the boat stopped, I came ashore. I
have been here a week. I have not slept at night—and
yet it has been a week of rest!”