The whole thing was so sudden and so unexpected that I was completely taken off my feet.  I had been at work steadily for eighteen years in connection with Tuskegee, and I had never thought of anything else but ending my life in that way.  Each day the school seemed to depend upon me more largely for its daily expenses, and I told these Boston friends that, while I thanked them sincerely for their thoughtfulness and generosity, I could not go to Europe, for the reason that the school could not live financially while I was absent.  They then informed me that Mr. Henry L. Higginson, and some other good friends who I know do not want their names made public, were then raising a sum of money which would be sufficient to keep the school in operation while I was away.  At this point I was compelled to surrender.  Every avenue of escape had been closed.

Deep down in my heart the whole thing seemed more like a dream than like reality, and for a long time it was difficult for me to make myself believe that I was actually going to Europe.  I had been born and largely reared in the lowest depths of slavery, ignorance, and poverty.  In my childhood I had suffered for want of a place to sleep, for lack of food, clothing, and shelter.  I had not had the privilege of sitting down to a dining-table until I was quite well grown.  Luxuries had always seemed to me to be something meant for white people, not for my race.  I had always regarded Europe, and London, and Paris, much as I regarded heaven.  And now could it be that I was actually going to Europe?  Such thoughts as these were constantly with me.

Two other thoughts troubled me a good deal.  I feared that people who heard that Mrs. Washington and I were going to Europe might not know all the circumstances, and might get the idea that we had become, as some might say, “stuck up,” and were trying to “show off.”  I recalled that from my youth I had heard it said that too often, when people of my race reached any degree of success, they were inclined to unduly exalt themselves; to try and ape the wealthy, and in so doing to lose their heads.  The fear that people might think this of us haunted me a good deal.  Then, too, I could not see how my conscience would permit me to spare the time from my work and be happy.  It seemed mean and selfish in me to be taking a vacation while others were at work, and while there was so much that needed to be done.  From the time I could remember, I had always been at work, and I did not see how I could spend three or four months in doing nothing.  The fact was that I did not know how to take a vacation.