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LOSS OF BREATH

O Breathe not, etc. —­ Moore’s Melodies

THE MOST notorious ill-fortune must in the end yield to the untiring courage of philosophy —­ as the most stubborn city to the ceaseless vigilance of an enemy.  Shalmanezer, as we have it in holy writings, lay three years before Samaria; yet it fell.  Sardanapalus —­ see Diodorus —­ maintained himself seven in Nineveh; but to no purpose.  Troy expired at the close of the second lustrum; and Azoth, as Aristaeus declares upon his honour as a gentleman, opened at last her gates to Psammetichus, after having barred them for the fifth part of a century....

“Thou wretch! —­ thou vixen! —­ thou shrew!” said I to my wife on the morning after our wedding; “thou witch! —­ thou hag! —­ thou whippersnapper —­ thou sink of iniquity! —­ thou fiery-faced quintessence of all that is abominable! —­ thou —­ thou-” here standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat, and placing my mouth close to her ear, I was preparing to launch forth a new and more decided epithet of opprobrium, which should not fail, if ejaculated, to convince her of her insignificance, when to my extreme horror and astonishment I discovered that I had lost my breath.

The phrases “I am out of breath,” “I have lost my breath,” etc., are often enough repeated in common conversation; but it had never occurred to me that the terrible accident of which I speak could bona fide and actually happen!  Imagine —­ that is if you have a fanciful turn —­ imagine, I say, my wonder —­ my consternation —­ my despair!

There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely deserted me.  In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense of propriety, et le chemin des passions me conduit —­ as Lord Edouard in the “Julie” says it did him —­ a la philosophie veritable.

Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree the occurence had affected me, I determined at all events to conceal the matter from my wife, until further experience should discover to me the extent of this my unheard of calamity.  Altering my countenance, therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed and distorted appearance, to an expression of arch and coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a pat on the one cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without saying one syllable (Furies!  I could not), left her astonished at my drollery, as I pirouetted out of the room in a Pas de Zephyr.

Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearful instance of the ill consequences attending upon irascibility —­ alive, with the qualifications of the dead —­ dead, with the propensities of the living —­ an anomaly on the face of the earth —­ being very calm, yet breathless.