At this occupation I did a good deal; but, somehow, I was not quite satisfied, and so finally abandoned it.  The truth is, I labored under the disadvantage of having no monkey —­ and American streets are so muddy, and a Democratic rabble is so obstrusive, and so full of demnition mischievous little boys.

I was now out of employment for some months, but at length succeeded, by dint of great interest, in procuring a situation in the Sham-Post.  The duties, here, are simple, and not altogether unprofitable.  For example:  —­ very early in the morning I had to make up my packet of sham letters.  Upon the inside of each of these I had to scrawl a few lines on any subject which occurred to me as sufficiently mysterious —­ signing all the epistles Tom Dobson, or Bobby Tompkins, or anything in that way.  Having folded and sealed all, and stamped them with sham postmarks —­ New Orleans, Bengal, Botany Bay, or any other place a great way off- I set out, forthwith, upon my daily route, as if in a very great hurry.  I always called at the big houses to deliver the letters, and receive the postage.  Nobody hesitates at paying for a letter —­ especially for a double one —­ people are such fools- and it was no trouble to get round a corner before there was time to open the epistles.  The worst of this profession was, that I had to walk so much and so fast; and so frequently to vary my route.  Besides, I had serious scruples of conscience.  I can’t bear to hear innocent individuals abused —­ and the way the whole town took to cursing Tom Dobson and Bobby Tompkins was really awful to hear.  I washed my hands of the matter in disgust.

My eighth and last speculation has been in the Cat-Growing way.  I have found that a most pleasant and lucrative business, and, really, no trouble at all.  The country, it is well known, has become infested with cats —­ so much so of late, that a petition for relief, most numerously and respectably signed, was brought before the Legislature at its late memorable session.  The Assembly, at this epoch, was unusually well-informed, and, having passed many other wise and wholesome enactments, it crowned all with the Cat-Act.  In its original form, this law offered a premium for cat-heads (fourpence a-piece), but the Senate succeeded in amending the main clause, so as to substitute the word “tails” for “heads.”  This amendment was so obviously proper, that the House concurred in it nem. con.

As soon as the governor had signed the bill, I invested my whole estate in the purchase of Toms and Tabbies.  At first I could only afford to feed them upon mice (which are cheap), but they fulfilled the scriptural injunction at so marvellous a rate, that I at length considered it my best policy to be liberal, and so indulged them in oysters and turtle.  Their tails, at a legislative price, now bring me in a good income; for I have discovered a way, in which, by means of Macassar oil, I can force three crops in a year.  It delights me to find, too, that the animals soon get accustomed to the thing, and would rather have the appendages cut off than otherwise.  I consider myself, therefore, a made man, and am bargaining for a country seat on the Hudson.