I have already seen hundreds of men, young and middle-aged; not one has stirred the least feeling in me.  No proof of admiration and devotion on their part, not even a sword drawn in my behalf, would have moved me.  Love, dear, is the product of such rare conditions that it is quite possible to live a lifetime without coming across the being on whom nature has bestowed the power of making one’s happiness.  The thought is enough to make one shudder; for if this being is found too late, what then?

For some days I have begun to tremble when I think of the destiny of women, and to understand why so many wear a sad face beneath the flush brought by the unnatural excitement of social dissipation.  Marriage is a mere matter of chance.  Look at yours.  A storm of wild thoughts has passed over my mind.  To be loved every day the same, yet with a difference, to be loved as much after ten years of happiness as on the first day!—­such a love demands years.  The lover must be allowed to languish, curiosity must be piqued and satisfied, feeling roused and responded to.

Is there, then, a law for the inner fruits of the heart, as there is for the visible fruits of nature?  Can joy be made lasting?  In what proportion should love mingle tears with pleasures?  The cold policy of the funereal, monotonous, persistent routine of the convent seemed to me at these moments the only real life; while the wealth, the splendor, the tears, the delights, the triumph, the joy, the satisfaction, of a love equal, shared, and sanctioned, appeared a mere idle vision.

I see no room in this city for the gentle ways of love, for precious walks in shady alleys, the full moon sparkling on the water, while the suppliant pleads in vain.  Rich, young, and beautiful, I have only to love, and love would become my sole occupation, my life; yet in the three months during which I have come and gone, eager and curious, nothing has appealed to me in the bright, covetous, keen eyes around me.  No voice has thrilled me, no glance has made the world seem brighter.

Music alone has filled my soul, music alone has at all taken the place of our friendship.  Sometimes, at night, I will linger for an hour by my window, gazing into the garden, summoning the future, with all it brings, out of the mystery which shrouds it.  There are days too when, having started for a drive, I get out and walk in the Champs-Elysees, and picture to myself that the man who is to waken my slumbering soul is at hand, that he will follow and look at me.  Then I meet only mountebanks, vendors of gingerbread, jugglers, passers-by hurrying to their business, or lovers who try to escape notice.  These I am tempted to stop, asking them, “You who are happy, tell me what is love.”

But the impulse is repressed, and I return to my carriage, swearing to die an old maid.  Love is undoubtedly an incarnation, and how many conditions are needful before it can take place!  We are not certain of never quarreling with ourselves, how much less so when there are two?  This is a problem which God alone can solve.