Sleeplessness and the consequent strain of combating increasing weakness leads to something strange in me.  In the middle of my lecture tears suddenly rise in my throat, my eyes begin to smart, and I feel a passionate, hysterical desire to stretch out my hands before me and break into loud lamentation.  I want to cry out in a loud voice that I, a famous man, have been sentenced by fate to the death penalty, that within some six months another man will be in control here in the lecture-theatre.  I want to shriek that I am poisoned; new ideas such as I have not known before have poisoned the last days of my life, and are still stinging my brain like mosquitoes.  And at that moment my position seems to me so awful that I want all my listeners to be horrified, to leap up from their seats and to rush in panic terror, with desperate screams, to the exit.

It is not easy to get through such moments.

II

After my lecture I sit at home and work.  I read journals and monographs, or prepare my next lecture; sometimes I write something.  I work with interruptions, as I have from time to time to see visitors.

There is a ring at the bell.  It is a colleague come to discuss some business matter with me.  He comes in to me with his hat and his stick, and, holding out both these objects to me, says: 

“Only for a minute!  Only for a minute!  Sit down, collega!  Only a couple of words.”

To begin with, we both try to show each other that we are extraordinarily polite and highly delighted to see each other.  I make him sit down in an easy-chair, and he makes me sit down; as we do so, we cautiously pat each other on the back, touch each other’s buttons, and it looks as though we were feeling each other and afraid of scorching our fingers.  Both of us laugh, though we say nothing amusing.  When we are seated we bow our heads towards each other and begin talking in subdued voices.  However affectionately disposed we may be to one another, we cannot help adorning our conversation with all sorts of Chinese mannerisms, such as “As you so justly observed,” or “I have already had the honour to inform you”; we cannot help laughing if one of us makes a joke, however unsuccessfully.  When we have finished with business my colleague gets up impulsively and, waving his hat in the direction of my work, begins to say good-bye.  Again we paw one another and laugh.  I see him into the hall; when I assist my colleague to put on his coat, while he does all he can to decline this high honour.  Then when Yegor opens the door my colleague declares that I shall catch cold, while I make a show of being ready to go even into the street with him.  And when at last I go back into my study my face still goes on smiling, I suppose from inertia.