William, being an Irishman, didn’t let failure depress him in the least.  We were all glad to see him rational again—­as rational as could be expected from him, I mean.  As Elizabeth was wont to express it, ‘’E aint screwed up like other folk, so what can you expect.’  But as I have said, she did not approve of William.  It was not so much that she took exception to the trail of tobacco ash that followed in his wake, or the unusual litter he created during his inventive period.  She resented the fact that he was unmarried, having, at all times, a strong objection to celibacy.

‘When a man gets to the age o’ that there Mr. Roarings’ (William’s surname is Rawlings, so she didn’t get so far out for her)—­’an’ isn’t married ‘e’s cheatin’ some pore girl out of ‘er rights, I ses,’ she declared.  ‘Selfishness!  Spendin’ all ’is money on ’isself.  W’y isn’t ‘e married?’

‘I don’t know, Elizabeth,’ I replied, ‘but if you like, I’ll ask him.’

’That’ll do no good.  ’E orter be thrown together with the right kind o’ young lady and kept up to the scratch.  That’s wot orter be done.  I’ll look up the cards for ’im and see wot ’is Signs is.  I’d like to see ‘im married and settled down.’

‘Perhaps you mean to marry him yourself, Elizabeth?’

She gave a snort of indignation.  ’Me!  ’E’s not my style.  Give me a young man who can set off a bright necktie an’ a white waistcoat with a nice watch an’ albert ‘ung on to it.  But Mr. Roarings’ now, ’e’d do well for some one who ‘ad settled down, like, with quiet sort o’ tastes.  I got some one in my mind’s eye for ‘im already.’

From the moment that Elizabeth took his destiny in hand William was no longer safe, I felt sure.  The Signs began to get to work upon him.

‘William,’ I said to him one day, ‘Elizabeth means to marry you.’

‘Why should I marry Elizabeth?’ he asked placidly.

’I don’t mean that she herself is to be the blushing bride.  She prefers a man with a taste in waistcoats, a flowing auburn moustache, and a tendency to bright neckties, none of which qualities or quantities you possess.  She means to get you married to some one else.’

William slowly removed his pipe from his mouth and regarded me with intense earnestness.  He is not the sort of person who lets his emotions ripple to the surface, so his serious mien surprised me.  He raised his hand in a prophetic attitude and began to speak.  ’Dr. Johnson has rightly said that the incommodities of a single life are necessary and certain, but those of a conjugal state are avoidable.  Excellent philosophy.  Sooner than get married, my dear madame, I would walk in the wilderness, conversing with no man; I would fly to the fastnesses of Tibet; I would make of myself a hermit in a cave that was strongly barricaded.  I would eschew tobacco.  I would pay, to the uttermost farthing, any bachelor tax imposed by the State.’