On his birthday, December 18, 1843, having finished his twenty-third year, he puts down an account of conscience in the form of prayers and aspirations to God, breathing a deep sense of humility, expressing regret for his inactivity, his lack of gratitude for favors both spiritual and temporal, and adding a fervent appeal for more light and greater courage.  In almost every entry of any length in the diary during this period he complains of his lack of solitude and of the means of obtaining it.  His mind, after arriving home, was tossed with many interior distresses which he could not communicate to his brothers, nor even to his mother, with any hope of assuagement, but which silence and solitude enabled him to soothe by prayer.  On the last day of the year he reverts to the great changes which 1843 had witnessed in his soul, and which, he says, were accompanied by bitter anguish.  Twelve months before he had been with his “dear friend, 0, A. Brownson, filled with an unknown spirit, driven from home by it, and like one intoxicated, not knowing who I was or wherefore I was so troubled”—­then to Brook Farm, and to Fruitlands, and back again in New York for the previous five or six months, the same spirit still in sovereign mastery over him, and, “though regulated, none the less powerful.”  He says that he is not so restless nor his mind so chaotic, but that he still has a pain at heart which he declares to be almost unbearable, joined to some nervous excitability.

Meantime, besides trying to employ himself actively in the business of the Hecker Brothers, he recited lessons daily in both German and Latin, and read much, chiefly on topics suggested by the difficulties with which his life was beset, such as philosophy, religious controversy, and the graver sorts of poetry, of which that of Goethe made a deep impression on him.  The melancholy unrest and longing which such poetry embodies sunk into his very heart.  Often it gave perfect expression to his own doubting and distressed state of soul.  He also found some relaxation in an occasional visit to the theatre and heard nearly all the lectures given in the city.  One of the dreams of his life, the amelioration of the social condition of the working people, he found himself unable to actualize in any appreciable degree.  It is evident that his brothers shared his philanthropic views; but when it came to set practically to work there was a lack of harmony.  John Hecker was for attaining the object by stricter discipline, treating the men rather as servants; while “we,” says Isaac, speaking of himself and George, “took the side of treating them with kindness, and, as far as possible, as brethren.”  In truth, it was evidence of nobility of character in these three brothers that they could so much as dream of actualizing so radical a social reform in but one establishment amidst so many in ardent business competition with each other.  It may be said in passing that the practical charity of the Hecker Brothers continued to do credit to the spirit which originally prompted their attempts at social reform.  During a period of general distress some years since they distributed bread free, sending their own wagons around the city for the purpose.