“I can hardly prevent myself from saying how much I shall miss the company of those whom I love and associate with here.  But I must go.  I am called with a stronger voice.  This is a different trial from any I have ever had.  I have had that of leaving kindred, but now I have that of leaving those whom I love from affinity.  If I wished to live a life the most gratifying to me, and in agreeable company, I certainly would remain here.  Here are refining amusements, cultivated persons—­and one whom I have not spoken of, one who is too much to me to speak of, one who would leave all for me.  Alas! him I must leave to go.”

In this final sentence, as it now stands in the diary and as we have transcribed it, occurs one of those efforts of which we have spoken, to obliterate the traces of this early attachment.  “Him” was originally written “her,” but the r has been lengthened to an m, and the e dotted, both with a care which overshot their mark by an almost imperceptible hair’s-breadth.  If the nature of this attachment were not so evident from other sources, we should have left such passages unquoted; fearing lest they might be misunderstood.  As it is, the light they cast seems to us to throw up into fuller proportions the kind and extent of the renunciations to which Isaac Hecker was called before he had arrived at any clear view of the end to which they tended.

“Fruitlands, July 12.—­Last evening I arrived here.  After tea I went out in the fields and raked hay for an hour in company with the persons here.  We returned and had a conversation on Clothing.  Some very fine things were said by Mr. Alcott and Mr. Lane.  In most of their thoughts I coincide; they are the same which of late have much occupied my mind.  Alcott said that to Emerson the world was a lecture-room, to Brownson a rostrum.

“This morning after breakfast a conversation was held on Friendship and its laws and conditions.  Mr. Alcott placed Innocence first; Larned, Thoughtfulness; I, Seriousness; Lane, Fidelity.

“July 13.—­This morning after breakfast there was held a conversation on The Highest Aim.  Mr. Alcott said it was Integrity; I, Harmonic being; Lane, Progressive being; Larned, Annihilation of self; Bower, Repulsion of the evil in us.  Then there was a confession of the obstacles which prevent us from attaining the highest aim.  Mine was the doubt whether the light is light; not the want of will to follow, or the sight to see.”

“July 17.—­I cannot understand what it is that leads me, or what I am after.  Being is incomprehensible.

“What shall I be led to?  Is there a being whom I may marry and who would be the means of opening my eyes?  Sometimes I think so—­but it appears impossible.  Why should others tell me that it is so, and will be so, in an unconscious way, as Larned did on Sunday last, and as others have before him?  Will I be led home?  It strikes me these people here, Alcott and Lane, will be a great deal to me.  I do not know but they may be what I am looking for, or the answer to that in me which is asking.