he was able to have a familiar contact with us all, especially the students, whom he enlisted in working about the grounds or the house, helping as best he could.  But after his illness began he ever showed a certain constraint of manner when the conversation took a grave turn, a kind of shyness, which a judge of character might interpret as meaning, “I am afraid you’ll misunderstand me; I am afraid you’ll think I am a visionary.”

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CHAPTER XXXV

CONCLUSION

FATHER HECKER’S prayer during all these years was a state of what seemed almost uninterrupted contemplation of varied intensity.  He attended the evening meditation of the community as long as he had strength to do so, frequently giving a commentary on the points read out at the beginning, simple, direct, and fervent.  He was exceedingly fond of assisting at High Mass on Sundays and feast days, and he had a small oratory built between the house and the new church, from which, by passing a few steps from his room, he could hear the music and see the function through a window opening into the sanctuary.  This often overpowered him with emotion, which was sometimes so strong as to drive him back to his room and into bed.  Once a week and on the more solemn festivals was as often as he could say Mass, or even hear it, on account of his extreme weakness in the mornings.  For the last three or four years of his life to say Mass at all became a struggle which was as curious as it was distressing to witness.  Those who had often read of such things in the lives of the servants of God were nevertheless amazed at the sight of them in Father Hecker.  The following is from a memorandum: 

"Father Hecker: Do you know what it is to be in spontaneous relations with God—­where the Divine Object works upon the soul spontaneously?  It is that which prevents me from saying Mass, because I make a fool of myself.  At any point I am apt to be so influenced by God as to be utterly deprived of physical force, to sink down helpless.  At my brother’s house they expect it and get me a chair.  A few moments on a chair, and I am ready to go on.  Now, if I yield to this I know that I shall be thrown into a clean helpless state, and I have a practical work to do. Question: Does this effect come at receiving Communion? Answer: I don’t know, as I have never yet received Communion out of Mass.  But I am afraid of it.  Any such thing is apt to throw me off, and I am afraid. Question: But suppose it to be God’s will that you should say Mass notwithstanding this difficulty? Answer: Then let Him bring it about.”

At one time several months passed, months of very low vitality in body and awful darkness of soul, during which he neither said Mass nor received Communion.  The following memorandum describes how this period, perhaps the most painful of his life, was ended: