“He’s well-meanin’, no doubt, and I have a good deal of sympathy for him.  For, as I told Josiah, he’s gittin’ along in years, and I don’t know what pervision eternity would give to him in the way of entertainment and use.  He can’t expect to go on there to all eternity a-samplin’ wine, and tyin’ neckties, and makin’ button-hole bokays.

“And I don’t suppose that he will be allowed to sort out the angels, and learn ’em to bow and walk backwards, and brand some on ’em four hundred, and pick out a few and brand ’em one hundred, and keep some on ’em back, and let some on ’em in, and act.

“I d’no what is a-goin’ to be done in the next world, the home of eternal Truth and Realities, with a man who has spent his hull life a-smoothin’ out and varnishin’ the husks of life, and hain’t paid no attention to the kernel.

“He tires America dretful, Ward duz, and I spoze like as not he’d be still more tuckerin’ to Spain, not bein’ used to him, and then, too, she’s smaller, Spain is, and mebby can’t stand so much countin’ and actin’.  So, as I said to Josiah, ‘The Infanty is a-havin’ a hard time on’t with the Ward McAllisters of society;’ for, sez I, ’Though she has set ’em a pattern of simple courtesy and good manners every time she’s had a chance, I knew them four hundred well enough to know that it wouldn’t be took.’  I knew that the American Republic, as showed out by Ward McAllister and his ’postles, wouldn’t be contented to use the simple, quiet courtesy of a Royal Princess.

“No; I knew America and Jonesville would have to see ’em a-goin’ on, and actin’, and a-plannin’ which foot ort to be advanced first, and how many long breaths and how many short ones could be genteelly drawed by ’em durin’ a introduction, and how many buttons their gloves must have, and how many inches the tops of their heads ort to come from the floor when they bowed, and whether their little fingers ort to be held still, or allowed to move a little.

“And while Ward and his ’postles was drawed up in a line on one side of the ball-room, and not dastin’ to move hand or foot for fear they wouldn’t be moved genteel, you got dead tired a-waitin’ for ’em to make a move of some kind.

“It wuz a weary, tuckerin’ sight to America and me, and must have been dretful for you to gone through.

“And I sez to Josiah, ’It is no wonder that the Infanty got so tired of them performances that she had to set down and rest.

“It tired America so a-seein’ ’em a-pilotin’ the party that she would have been glad to have sot down and rested.

“Now if I’d invited you, Ulaley, as I wanted to, I wuzn’t a-calculatin’ to draw up Josiah and the boys and Ury on one side of the room, and the girls and myself in a line on the other side, and not dastin’ to advance and welcome you for fear I wouldn’t put the right foot out first, or wouldn’t put in the right number of breaths a second I ort to.