“‘You undevout, sinful, insidious hog,’ says I to Murkison, ’get out that two thousand and lay it on the table.  Obey with velocity,’ says I, ’for otherwise alternatives are impending.  I am preferably a man of mildness, but now and then I find myself in the middle of extremities.  Such men as you,’ I went on after he had laid the money out, ’is what keeps the jails and court houses going.  You come up here to rob these men of their money.  Does it excuse you?’ I asks, ’that they were trying to skin you?  No, sir; you was going to rob Peter to stand off Paul.  You are ten times worse,’ says I, ’than that green goods man.  You go to church at home and pretend to be a decent citizen, but you’ll come to Chicago and commit larceny from men that have built up a sound and profitable business by dealing with such contemptible scoundrels as you have tried to be to-day.  How do you know,’ says I, ’that that green goods man hasn’t a large family dependent upon his extortions?  It’s you supposedly respectable citizens who are always on the lookout to get something for nothing,’ says I, ’that support the lotteries and wild-cat mines and stock exchanges and wire tappers of this country.  If it wasn’t for you they’d go out of business.  The green goods man you was going to rob,’ says I, ’studied maybe for years to learn his trade.  Every turn he makes he risks his money and liberty and maybe his life.  You come up here all sanctified and vanoplied with respectability and a pleasing post office address to swindle him.  If he gets the money you can squeal to the police.  If you get it he hocks the gray suit to buy supper and says nothing.  Mr. Tucker and me sized you up,’ says I, ’and came along to see that you got what you deserved.  Hand over the money,’ says I, ’you grass fed hypocrite.’

“I put the two thousand, which was all in $20 bills, in my inside pocket.

“‘Now get out your watch,’ says I to Murkison.  ’No, I don’t want it,’ says I.  ’Lay it on the table and you sit in that chair till it ticks off an hour.  Then you can go.  If you make any noise or leave any sooner we’ll handbill you all over Grassdale.  I guess your high position there is worth more than $2,000 to you.’

“Then me and Andy left.

“On the train Andy was a long time silent.  Then he says:  ’Jeff, do you mind my asking you a question?’

“‘Two,’ says I, ‘or forty.’

“‘Was that the idea you had,’ says he, ’when we started out with Murkison?’

“‘Why, certainly,’ says I.  ’What else could it have been?  Wasn’t it yours, too?’

“In about half an hour Andy spoke again.  I think there are times when Andy don’t exactly understand my system of ethics and moral hygiene.

“‘Jeff,’ says he, ’some time when you have the leisure I wish you’d draw off a diagram and foot-notes of that conscience of yours.  I’d like to have it to refer to occasionally.’”

INNOCENTS OF BROADWAY