With amazement I hear of the chances they
      lose—­of the simply incredible sums
  Which a Barrie might have (if he did not refuse)
      for reciting A Window in Thrums: 
  Of the prospects of gain which are offered
      in vain as a sop to the Laureate’s pride: 
  Of the price which I learn Mr Bradshaw
      might earn by declaiming his excellent Guide.

  Columbia! desist from soliciting those who
      your bribes and petitions contemn: 
  Though plutocrats scorn the rewards you
      propose, there are others superior to them: 
  Why burden the proud with superfluous
      pelf, who wealth in abundance possess,
  When indigent Worth (I allude to myself)
      would go for substantially less?

  For Europe, I know, to oblivion may doom
      the fruits of my talented brain,
  But they’re perfectly sure of creating a boom
      in the wilds of Kentucky and Maine: 
  They’ll appreciate there my illustrious work
      on the way to make Pindar to scan,
  And Culture will hum in the State of New York
      when I read it my essay on ’An! [1]

  I’ve a scheme, which is this:—­I will start
      for the West as a Limited Lecturing Co.,
  And the public invite in the same to invest
      to the tune of a million or so: 
  They will all be recouped for initial expense
      by receiving their share of the “gates,”
  Which I venture to think will be truly
      immense when I lecture on Prose in the States.

  Thus Merit will not be permitted to rot—­as
      it does—­on Obscurity’s shelf: 
  Thus the national hoard shall with profit be
      stored (with a trifle of course for myself): 
  For lectures are dear in that fortunate
      sphere, and are paid for at fabulous rates,—­
  All the gold of Klondike isn’t anything like
      to the sums that are made in the States!

[1.  Transcriber’s note:  In the original book, the two characters preceding the exclamation mark are the Greek “Alpha” and “nu”.  They appear to be preceded by the Greek rough-breathing diacritical, making the three characters together rhyme with “Maine”, two lines earlier.]

A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS

  Said the Isis to the Cherwell in a tone of indignation,
    “With a blush of conscious virtue your enormities I see: 
  And I wish that a reversal of the laws of gravitation
    Would prevent your vicious current from contaminating me! 
  With your hedonists who grovel on a cushion with a novel
    (Which is sure to sap the morals and the intellect to stunt),
  And the spectacle nefarious of your idle, gay Lotharios
    Who pursue a mild flirtation in a misdirected punt!”