“But so simple.  Here is a letter from a man who wants to have had forbears in the Navy.  We say:—­

    “’Naturally it would have been an advantage for your son, whom you
    destine for the Navy, to have had relations in that service.  But
    it is not too late to remedy this defect.

“’By virtue of the powers conferred upon us by Act of Parliament (Ancestry Act, 1922), we are prepared to give your sometime great-great-uncle William, who, according to family tradition, always wanted to go to sea, a commission in the Navy, and the rank of lieutenant, together with appointment to any ship of the line—­with the exception of the Victory—­which fought under Lord Nelson.  The making out the commission will be put in hand on the receipt of your cheque for three hundred guineas.’”

“Do you always give satisfaction?”

“Occasionally we have to disappoint people.  For instance, this letter to a lady at Plymouth:—­

“’We fear we cannot grant your request to reserve a berth on the Mayflower for your delightful ancestress, Mrs. Patience Loveday.  The Mayflower is already overcrowded, and, owing to some ill-feeling raised in America, we decided to resign all interest in the vessel.  Should you desire some other form of Puritan distinction how would you like to provide yourself with a non-juring clergyman as an ancestor?  We could present any suitable departed member of your family to a Crown living, and supply you with an order of ejectment, dated the anniversary of St. Bartholomew’s Day, 1662.’”

“Judging from the address on this letter, ‘X.  O’Finny, Esq.,’ your jurisdiction extends to Ireland?”

“Yes, Mr. O’Finny wants some persecuted ancestors.  We offer to supply him with a member of his family condemned to be beheaded by order of QUEEN ELIZABETH, price one thousand, which includes a replica of the Great Seal of England; or, to have another member shot by order of CROMWELL, at half the price; or a sentence of hanging in ’98.  This would be three hundred only.  We advise him to take the complete set at a reduction, and have no doubt we shall come to terms.”

“Have you anything more expensive?” I asked timidly.

“Rather.  Here is our answer to Lord—­better not give the name, perhaps; the creation is recent.  He wished for a Crusader, but we explained that the Crusades were not under Government.  We offer to introduce his family name into our authorised supplement to the Domesday Book for five thousand pounds.  I call it cheap at the money.  Now what can we do for you?”

“I must think it over,” I stammered.

“Do.  You will come back.  Pair of Colours, now, for a great-great-grandfather.  How would that suit you?  Only five hundred.  Or a place at Court in the Regency?  Or, if you wish good business connection, a directorship of the East India Company?  The whole of the past lies before you.  Give your children a fair start in life, that is what we say.  Money is good, education is better, but distinguished ancestry is best of all.”