FAUST (drily).  Well, if I learn of any critic’s death
Leaving a vacant place upon the Press,
You’ll hear from me; meanwhile, Mephisto mine,
As we must needs play out our little play,
Whom would you cast for Margaret, alias Gretchen? 
Kindly sketch out an inexpensive Faust,
Modelled on the Vedrenne and Barker style
Once much in favour at the English Court.

MEPHISTO.  The stage is now an auditorium,
And all the audiences are amateurs,
First-nighters at the bottom of their heart. 
What do they care for drama in the least? 
All that they need are complimentary stalls,
To know the leading actor, to be round
At dress rehearsals, or behind the scenes,
To hear the row the actor-manager
Had with the author or the leading lady,
Then to recount the story at the Garrick,
Where, lingering lovingly on kippered lies,
They babble over chestnuts and their punch
And stale round-table jests of years ago.

FAUST. So Mephistopheles is growing old! 
Kindly omit your stage philosophy,
And tell me all your plans about the play.

MEPHISTO.  First we must make you young and fresh as paint,
Philters and elixirs are out of date. 
A week in London—­that is what you want;
London Society is our objective. 
There you will find a not unlikely Gretchen,
For actresses are all the rage just now;
Countesses quarrel over Edna May,
And Mrs. Patrick Campbell is received
In the best houses.  I shall introduce you
As a philosopher from Tubingen. 
A sort of Nordau, no?  Then Doctor Reich—­
Advocates polyandry, children suffrage—­
One man, one pianola; the usual thing
That will secure success:  here is a card
For Thursday next—­Lady Walpurge ‘At Home’
From nine till twelve—­a really charming hostess. 
Her ladyship is intellectual,
The husband rich, dishonest, a collector
Of objets d’art, especially old masters. 
He got his title for his promises
To England in the war; financed the raid,
A patriot millionaire within whose veins
Imperial pints of German-Jewish blood
Must make the English think imperially,
And rather bear with all the ills they have
Than fly to others that they know not of.

FAUST. Excellent plan!  Except at Covent Garden,
I’ve hardly been in England since the ’eighties.

Act II.

Scene:  Brocken House, Park Lane.

The top of the Grand Staircase.  LORD and LADY WALPURGE receiving their guests.  The greatest taste is shown in the decorations, which are lent for the occasion of the play free of charge, owing to the deserved popularity of Mr. George Alexander.  Furniture supplied by Waring, selected by Mr. Percy Macquoid; Old Masters by Agnew & Son, P. & D. Colnaghi, Dowdeswell & Dowdeswell; Wigs by Clarkson.  A large, full-length Reynolds, seen above the well of