An old colored man was brought up before a country judge.

“Jethro,” said the judge, “you are accused of stealing General Johnson’s chickens.  Have you any witnesses?”

“No, sah,” old Jethro answered, haughtily; “I hab not, sah.  I never steal chickens befo’ witnesses.”

This is a similar example, told by Prime Minister Asquith: 

An English professor wrote on the blackboard in his laboratory, “Professor Blank informs his students that he has this day been appointed honorary physician to his Majesty, King George.”

During the morning he had some occasion to leave the room, and found on his return that some student wag had added the words,

“God save the King!”

Henry W. Grady was a facile story-teller.  One of his best stories was as follows: 

“There was an old preacher once who told some boys of the Bible lesson he was going to read in the morning.  The boys, finding the place, glued together the connecting pages.  The next morning he read on the bottom of one page:  ’When Noah was one hundred and twenty years old he took unto himself a wife, who was’—­then turning the page—­’one hundred and forty cubits long, forty cubits wide, built of gopherwood, and covered with pitch inside and out.’  He was naturally puzzled at this.  He read it again, verified it, and then said:  ’My friends, this is the first time I ever met this in the Bible, but I accept it as an evidence of the assertion that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.’”

Personalities based upon sarcasm or invective are always attended with danger, but good-humored bantering may be used upon occasion with most happy results.  As an instance of this, there is a story of an annual dinner at which Mr. Choate was set down for the toast, “The Navy,” and Mr. Depew was to respond to “The Army.”  Mr. Depew began by saying, “It’s well to have a specialist:  that’s why Choate is here to speak about the Navy.  We met at the wharf once and I did not see him again till we reached Liverpool.  When I asked how he felt he said he thought he would have enjoyed the trip over if he had had any ocean air.  Yes, you want to hear Choate on the Navy.”  When it was Mr. Choate’s turn to speak, he said:  “I’ve heard Depew hailed as the greatest after-dinner speaker.  If after-dinner speaking, as I have heard it described and as I believe it to be, is the art of saying nothing at all, then Mr. Depew is the most marvelous speaker in the universe.”

The medical profession can be assailed with impunity, since they have long since grown accustomed to it.  There is a story of a young laborer who, on his way to his day’s work, called at the registrar’s office to register his father’s death.  When the official asked the date of the event, the son replied, “He ain’t dead yet, but he’ll be dead before night, so I thought it would save me another journey if you would put it down now.”  “Oh, that won’t do at all,” said the registrar; “perhaps your father will live till tomorrow.”  “Well, I don’t think so, sir; the doctor says as he won’t, and he knows what he has given him.”