In vain they seize his slippery tail
    And try to pull him back;
  It makes their little cheeks turn pale
    To hear his waistband crack.

  They draw him down and crowd around;
    Their tears bespeak their love;
  For part of him is underground
    And part has gone above.

  But not for long does sorrow seize
    The subterranean mind,
  For father grows another piece
    In front or else behind.

  And now he’s up before the dawn,
    Long ere the world has stirred,
  And eats his breakfast on the lawn
    Before the early bird.

* * * * *

WHEN THE YOUNG LEAD THE YOUNG.

    “Lady Nurse or Nursery Governess (young) wanted for post near
    Ventnor, I.W., for boy 21/2 years.  Experience, similar age, and
    happy disposition essential.”—­Weekly Paper.

* * * * *

    “Oxford, Tuesday.

    The Royal Commission on Oxford and Cambridge Universities began
    its Oxford session this afternoon in the Extermination Schools.”

Daily Paper.

Absit omen!

* * * * *

THE CONSPIRATORS.

II.

MY DEAR CHARLES,—­The Third International is not a Rugby football match.  It is a corporation of thrusters whose prospectus announces that it will very shortly have your blood, having first acquired exclusive rights in your money.  Have you two acres and a cow?  Have you seven pounds three and threepence in the Post-Office Savings Bank?  Have you any blood?  Very well, then; THIS CONCERNS YOU.

There was a meeting of shareholders in Moscow as recently as July last.  The Chairman said:  “Gentlemen—­I beg your pardon, Comrades,—­I am happy to be able to report promising developments.  Our main enterprise in Russia, for technical reasons with which I will not now trouble you, is not for the moment profit-producing; but we have been able to promote some successful ventures abroad.  In all parts of the civilised world—­and Ireland—­we may anticipate a distribution of assets in the near future.”  And among those assets to be parcelled out are, I may say, your acres, your cow, your savings and yourself.

There followed a meeting of the Executive Committee (I wish they would avoid that tactless word “executive,” don’t you?).  Simple and brisk instructions were drafted for foreign agents, bidding them get on with it and not spare themselves, or in any case not spare anyone else.  These were inscribed on linen, which was folded over, with the writing inside, and neatly hemmed.  Shortly afterwards a number of earnest young men wearing tall collars and an air of exaggerated innocence sought to cross various frontiers and were surprised and offended when rough and rude officials stole their collars and set about taking them to pieces.