A vast sum will be thus instantaneously raised,—­not enough, however, you will say, to supply the deficiency.  I know it.  But a moment’s further attention.  Mr. Goulburn, many years since, being then Chancellor of the Exchequer, and, like brother Baring, in a financial hobble, proposed that on the payment, three years in advance, of the dog and hair-powder tax, all parties so handsomely coming down with the “tin,” should henceforth and for ever rejoice in duty-free dog, and enjoy untaxed cranium.  Now, why not a proposition to this effect—­that on the payment of a good round sum (let it be pretty large, for the ready is required), a man shall be exempt from the present legal consequences of any crime or crimes he may hereafter commit; or, if this be thought an extravagant scheme, and not likely to take with the public, at least let a list of prices be drawn up, that a man may know, at a glance, at what cost he may gratify a pet crime or favourite little foible.  Thus:—­

For cutting one’s own child’s head off—­so much. (I really think I would fix this at a high price, although I am well aware it has been done for nothing.)

For murdering a father or a mother—­a good sum.

For ditto, a grand ditto, or a great-grand ditto—­not so much:  their leases, it is presumed, being about to fall in.

Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, companions, and the community in general—­in proportion.

The cost of assaults and batteries, and other diversions, might be easily arranged; only I must remark, that for assaulting policemen I would charge high; that being, like the Italian Opera, for the most part, the entertainment of the nobility.

You may object that the propounding such a scheme would be discreditable, and that the thing is unprecedented.  Reflect, my dear PUNCH, for an instant.  Surely, nothing can be deemed to be discreditable by a Whig government, after the cheap sugar, cheap timber, cheap bread rigs.  Why, this is just what might have been expected from them.  I wonder they had not hit upon it.  How it would have “agitated the masses!”

As to the want of a precedent, that is easily supplied.  Pardons for all sorts and sizes of crimes were commonly bought and sold in the reign of James I.; nay, pardon granted in anticipation of crimes to be at a future time committed.

After all, you see, Mr. Dyer’s idea was not altogether original.

Your affectionate friend,

CHRISTOPHER SLY.

Pump Court.

P.S.—­Permit me to congratulate you on the determination you have come to, of entering the literary world.  Your modesty may be alarmed, but I must tell you that several of our “popular and talented” authors are commonly thought to be greatly indebted to you.  They are said to derive valuable hints from you, particularly in their management of the pathetic.

Keep a strict eye upon your wife, Judith.  You say she will superintend your notices of the fashions, &c.; but I fear she has been already too long and exclusively employed on certain newspapers and other periodicals.  Her style is not easily mistaken.