own good. It were folly to look for pretty manners
in me after my connection with your chosen on the continent
of Europe! In London I found things all in a
fuddle,—the head of the house having dwindled
into obscurity, while the juniors had been in all
sorts of business but that for which they had been
paid and sent to discharge; indeed, the revolutionary
business, into which members of the house had largely
entered, had brought it into all sorts of difficulties
and disgraces. Again it was currently reported
that, for being too deeply engaged in the affairs
of others, two of the smaller functionaries had found
themselves locked up in a police-station, and only
unlocked themselves with that protection which the
sacred character of the mission is supposed to grant:—in
fact, General, and I advance the intimation for your
own good, the only thing in real good order was the
smoking and spitting department. In Paris the
house was a dead lock, inasmuch as the head couldn’t
understand a word the French said, either about himself
or his government; while the retinue were all familiarly
known at the cafes. In Madrid, the head of the
house, not having the value of discretion before his
eyes, had fuzzled away all his influence, having fought
sundry duels, written himself down an ass in controversy
with editors, and failed in his proposal to build
up a young republic on the ruins of an old and dissolute
monarchy. Forcibly as the truth may depict our
singular misrepresentation abroad, we cannot forbear
to say, that, so far did this very French-American
representative carry his fighting proclivities, that
a single instance of their being excelled—our
fighting London Secretary, who had challenged a score
of very aged gentlemen (and had been equally courageous
were they double the age!) without finding a single
one to accept—could not be found. At
the Hague, the very respectable Hebrew gentleman,
who conducted the affairs of the house, had opened
a barber-shop, where needy gentlemen could be shaved
ad libitum—provided always they brought
a certain description of notes, nor were dainty about
how much were taken off the corner. The house
at Lisbon, report said, had got into very orderly
disorder, which was not in accordance with the character
of the very respectable Irish gentleman who kept it,
and who could absorb whiskey and tobacco with any
other respectable gentleman from Kilkenny. To
the denizens, among whom he had made an extensive
acquaintance, his being an American and speaking such
very good Irish and bad English was a perfect mystery.
You may be sure he likes well his situation, and finds
the duties of a Minister Extraordinary much preferable
to leading the retreat of a pampero expedition.’
Here the General significantly opened one eye and
shut the other: ’Only telling you this
for your own good’ I watched him anxiously as
he grasped me by the hand, and replied: ’Smooth!
the boldest stroke in my administration does not please
me so much as sending you Minister in General to Europe.
But can half you say be true?’