—­“What’s the matter with you to-day, Tommy?  You seem to be uneasy.”  “I am,” said the bad little boy.  “Yesterday was pa’s and ma’s wooden wedding, and all the neighbors sent ’em shingles.”

—­A square meal generally costs a round price.

—­The pupil of the eye is incessantly lashed.

—­Mrs. Pennifeather:  “Goodness gracious!  I wonder what in the world
has become of all my tarts?”
Mr. P.:  “Where did you put them?”
Mrs. P.:  “Right on the window-sill here.” 
Mr. P.:  “That accounts for it.  You have carelessly exposed them to
the son.”

—­It is his exalted position that makes the weather cock vane.

—­Father (severely):  “My son, this is a disgraceful condition of
affairs.  This report says you are the last boy in a class of
twenty-two.” 
Henry:  “It might have been worse, father.” 
Father:  “I can’t see how.” 
Henry:  “There might have been more boys in the class.”

—­Sunday School Superintendent:  “Who led the children of Israel into
Canaan?  Will one of the smaller boys answer?”
No reply. 
Superintendent (somewhat sternly):  “Can no one tell?  Little boy, on
that seat next to the aisle, who led the children of Israel into
Canaan?”
Little Boy (badly frightened):  “It wasn’t me.  I—­I jist moved yere
last week f’m Missoury.”

—­The concave mirror is not exactly a humorist, but it makes some very amusing reflections.

—­“Boy, I read in your eyes that you have told a lie.” 
“Papa, that is impossible.  You cannot read without spectacles.”

—­Sauso:  “Why did you yell ‘Stop thief!’ at the man who was running toward the railroad station?” Rodd:  “I saw that he was going to take a car.”

—­A chilly salutation—­ “Shake!”

—­Weeks:  “I’m afraid Brown is not very steady.  I don’t think he will stick to his business.”  Wentman:  “Oh, yes he will.  You forget he is working in a glue factory.”

—­“Do you distrust fat men, captain?”
“Well, no,” returned the old sea-dog, “not exactly; but I always
give them a wide berth.”

—­“Here, I bought this compass of you, t’other day, but it’s no good.  It points north, east, south or west, just as it happens.”  “Ah, but you don’t understand.  You see the needle points this way.  Now turn the compass around this way—­see?—­there you are.  That’s north.”  “Yes, but if I know where north is, what in time do I want a compass for?”

—­Sunday-school teacher:  “And when the wicked children continued mocking the good prophet, two she bears came out of the mountain and ate up over forty of the wicked children.  Now, boys, what lesson does this teach us?” Jimpsy Primrose:  “I know.”  Teacher:  “Well, Jimpsy?” Jimpsy Primrose:  “It teaches us how many children a she bear can hold.”

—­Cousin Nell (inculcating generosity):  “Supposing your chicken should lay a nice egg, Tommy; would you give it to me?” Tommy:  “No; I’d sell it to a dime museum.  That chick’s a rooster.”