Shortly before my profession I received the Holy Father’s blessing, through the hands of Brother Simeon; and this precious Blessing undoubtedly helped me through the most terrible storm of my whole life.

On the eve of the great day, instead of being filled with the customary sweetness, my vocation suddenly seemed to me as unreal as a dream.  The devil—­for it was he—­made me feel sure that I was wholly unsuited for life in the Carmel, and that I was deceiving my superiors by entering on a way to which I was not called.  The darkness was so bewildering that I understood but one thing—­I had no religious vocation, and must return to the world.  I cannot describe the agony I endured.  What was I to do in such a difficulty?  I chose the right course, deciding to tell my Novice Mistress of the temptation without delay.  I sent for her to come out of choir, and though full of confusion, I confessed the state of my soul.  Fortunately she saw more clearly than I did, and reassured me completely by laughing frankly at my story.  The devil was put to instant flight by my humble avowal; what he wanted was to keep me from speaking, and thus draw me into his snares.  But it was my turn now to ensnare him, for, to make my humiliation more complete, I also told you everything, dear Mother, and your consoling words dispelled my last fears.

On the morning of September 8, a wave of peace flooded my soul, and, in “that peace which surpasseth all understanding,"[2] I pronounced my holy vows.

Many were the graces I asked.  I felt myself truly a queen and took advantage of my title to obtain every favour from the King for His ungrateful subjects.  No one was forgotten.  I wished that every sinner on earth might be converted; that on that day Purgatory should set its captives free; and I bore upon my heart this letter containing what I desired for myself: 

“O Jesus, my Divine Spouse, grant that my baptismal robe may never be sullied.  Take me from this world rather than let me stain my soul by committing the least wilful fault.  May I never seek or find aught but Thee alone!  May all creatures be nothing to me and I nothing to them!  May no earthly thing disturb my peace!

“O Jesus, I ask but Peace. . . .  Peace, and above all, Love. . . .  Love—­without limit.  Jesus, I ask that for Thy sake I may die a Martyr; give me martyrdom of soul or body.  Or rather give me both the one and the other.

“Grant that I may fulfill my engagements in all their perfection; that no one may think of me; that I may be trodden under foot, forgotten, as a little grain of sand.  I offer myself to Thee, O my Beloved, that Thou mayest ever perfectly accomplish in me Thy Holy Will, without let or hindrance from creatures.”

When at the close of this glorious day I laid my crown of roses, according to custom, at Our Lady’s feet, it was without regret.  I felt that time would never lessen my happiness.