My mind dwelt with ineffable sweetness on the caresses Our Lord will soon lavish upon me before all the Saints, and this consoling thought was a foretaste of Heaven.  I have just said that January 10 was a day of triumph for my dear Father.  I liken it to the feast of the entry of Christ into Jerusalem, on Palm Sunday.  As in the case of Our Divine Master, his day of triumph was followed by long days of sorrow; and, even as the agony of Jesus pierced the heart of His divine Mother, so our hearts were deeply wounded by the humiliations and sufferings of him, whom we loved best on earth. . . .  I remember that in the month of June 1888, when we were fearing another stroke of paralysis, I surprised our Novice Mistress by saying:  “I am suffering a great deal, Mother, yet I feel I can suffer still more.”  I did not then foresee the trial awaiting us.  I did not know that on February 12, one month after my clothing day, our beloved Father would drink so deeply of such a bitter chalice.  I no longer said I could suffer more, words cannot express our grief; nor shall I attempt to describe it here.

In Heaven, we shall enjoy dwelling on these dark days of exile.  Yet the three years of my Father’s martyrdom seem to me the sweetest and most fruitful of our lives.  I would not exchange them for the most sublime ecstasies, and my heart cries out in gratitude for such a priceless treasure:  “We have rejoiced for the days wherein Thou hast afflicted us."[7] Precious and sweet was this bitter cross, and our hearts only breathed out sighs of grateful love.  We no longer walked—­we ran, we flew along the path of perfection.

Leonie and Celine, though living in the world, were no longer of the world.  The letters they wrote were full of the most edifying resignation.  And what talks I had with Celine!  Far from separating us, the grating of the Carmel united us more closely:  the same thoughts, the same desires, the same love for Our Lord and for souls, made our very life.  Not a word concerning things of earth entered into our conversation; but, just as in former days we lifted longing eyes to Heaven, so now our hearts strained after the joys beyond time and space, and, for the sake of an eternal happiness, we chose to suffer and be despised here below.

Though my suffering seemed to have reached its height, yet my attraction thereto did not grow less, and soon my soul shared in the trials my heart had to bear.  My spiritual aridity increased, and I found no comfort either in Heaven or on earth; yet, amid these waters of tribulation that I had so thirsted for, I was the happiest of mortals.

Thus passed the time of my betrothal, too long a time for me.  At the end of the year you told me, dear Mother, that I must not yet think of my profession, as our Ecclesiastical Superior expressly forbade it.  I had therefore to wait for eight months more.  At first I found it very difficult to be resigned to such a sacrifice, but divine light penetrated my soul before long.