Yet I am happy, most happy to suffer!  If Jesus Himself does not pierce me, He guides the hand which does.  Mother!  If you knew how utterly indifferent to earthly things I desire to be, and of how little concern to me are all the beauties of creation.  I should be wretched were I to possess them.  My heart seems so vast when I think of the goods of earth—­all of them together unable to fill it.  But by the side of Jesus how small does it appear!  He is full good to me—­this God who soon will be my Spouse.  He is divinely lovable for not permitting me to be the captive of any passing joy.  He knows well that if He sent me but a shadow of earthly happiness I should cling to it with all the intense ardour of my heart, and He refuses even this shadow . . .  He prefers to leave me in darkness, rather than afford me a false glimmer which would not be Himself.

I do not wish creatures to have one atom of my love.  I wish to give all to Jesus, since He makes me understand that He alone is perfect happiness.  All!—­all shall be for Him!  And even when I have nothing, as is the case to-night, I will give Him this nothing . . .

III

1889.

. . . . . . .

I have a longing for those heart-wounds, those pin-pricks which inflict so much pain.  I know of no ecstasy to which I do not prefer sacrifice.  There I find happiness, and there alone.  The slender reed has no fear of being broken, for it is planted beside the waters of Love.  When, therefore, it bends before the gale, it gathers strength in the refreshing stream, and longs for yet another storm to pass and sway its head.  My very weakness makes me strong.  No harm can come to me since, in whatever happens, I see only the tender Hand of Jesus . . .  Besides, no suffering is too big a price to pay for the glorious palm.

IV

(Written during her retreat before profession.)

September, 1890.

MY DEAREST MOTHER,—­Your little hermit must give you an account of her journey.  Before starting, my Beloved asked me in what land I wished to travel, and what road I wished to take.  I told him that I had only one desire, that of reaching the summit of the Mountain of Love.

Thereupon roads innumerable spread before my gaze, but so many of these were perfect that I felt incapable of choosing any of my own free will.  Then I said to my Divine Guide:  “Thou knowest where lies the goal of my desire, and for Whose sake I would climb the Mountain.  Thou knowest Who possesses the love of my heart.  For Him only I set out on this journey; lead me therefore by the paths of His choosing:  my joy shall be full if only He is pleased.”

And Our Lord took me by the hand, and led me through an underground passage where it is neither hot nor cold, where the sun shines not, and where neither wind nor rain can enter—­a place where I see nothing but a half-veiled light, the light that gleams from the downcast Eyes of the Face of Jesus.