* * * * *

    “All new demands for capital, whether for private or public purposes,
    had been met out of the sayings of the people.”—­Daily Paper.

Mr. Punch may perhaps be permitted to mention that he has himself given currency to a number of capital stories.

* * * * *

“It is to be hoped that, now that their unhappy country is in the throes of the most ghastly terror of her history, the irreconcilable elements in the Irish nation will see an all-compelling reason for exercising the demon of strife.—­Indian Paper.

Unfortunately they seem to be doing so only too freely.

* * * * *

ANOTHER WAR TO END WAR.

[An address to the League of Nations on learning that it is considering
a scheme to tackle the rat plague.]

Not yours to lure the lands of Cross or Crescent
Back from Bellona where she bangs her drum,
Nor make this Hades, anyhow at present,
The New Elysium.

For still the sword gleams mightier than the pen in
Europe, you’ll notice, at the Bolshies’ beck;
Confess now that the case of Mr. LENIN
Gets you right in the neck.

So I have read with wondrous satisfaction,
Feeling in this your hands are far from tied,
That you propose to emulate the action
Of Hamelin’s Piper (Pied).

And, though the task prove hard and ever harder,
From your crusade, I trust, you’ll never cease
Till you’ve restored good-will to every larder
And to each pantry peace.

Then, when the cocksure critic in his crudeness
Pops you the question while his back he pats,
“What have you done?” you’ll find at last, thank goodness,
One ready answer—­“Rats!”

* * * * *

“Puccinni’s three one-act operas, erroneously described as a
typtich....”—­Evening Paper.

But what about the spelling of “Puccinni”?  We fear our contemporary has, after all, been caught triptyching.

* * * * *

HOW TO BUILD A HOUSE.

The only way to build a house properly is to employ an architect to build it for you.  All the best houses are built by architects—­any architect will tell you that.  But of course you will always be allowed to say that you built it, so it will come to the same thing.

The walls of an architect’s office are covered with drawings of enormous public buildings which the architect has erected in every capital of Europe.  There are also a few of the statelier homes of England which he has put up in his spare time.

While you are waiting you compare these with your own scheme of the six-roomed villa you propose to build.

At last you are ushered into the presence and unless a stove-pipe protruding from your waistcoat pocket suggests that you are travelling in somebody’s radiators you will probably be asked to sit down, and may even be given a cigarette.  There is no difficulty in opening your business.  The architect can see at a glance what you have come for and says quite simply, “You want to build a house?”