* * * * *

    “SOLDIER BREAKS WINDOW AND BOLTS WITH TWO CAKES.”—­Daily Paper.

You can only do this kind of thing with the refreshment-room variety.

* * * * *

    “For Sceptic Throats use Iodized Throat Tablets.”—­Local Paper.

This distressing complaint is the very reverse of “clergyman’s sore throat.”

* * * * *

    “LADY wishes to Exchange, from 15th July to 15th September, Young
    Englishman for Young Frenchman.”—­Daily Paper.

We fear she is a flirt.

* * * * *

THE KING’S MESSENGER.

In Paris Geraldine’s mother suggested that, as I was paying a visit to London, I could bring Geraldine out with me on the return journey.  She also suggested that I might bring out a new hat for her (Geraldine’s mother) at the same time.  Though being in love neither with Geraldine’s mother nor with Geraldine’s mother’s hat I had to take kindly to both, to further my dark designs with regard to Geraldine.

In London I inspected the hat, complete in box.  It was immediately obvious that it and I could never make the journey to Paris together.  The sight of me carrying a hat-box at the early hour of 8 A.M. on Victoria Station would have put Geraldine off.  Geraldine is very pretty, but she is like that.

On reflection, the transport of the hat from London to Paris seemed to me to be a matter eminently suited to the machinery of our Foreign Office.  Though the Foreign Officer is as formidable as a Bishop in his own cathedral, he is, to those who persist in knowing him personally, a man much like oneself, fond of his glass of beer, ready to exchange one good turn for another.  It happens that I have assisted the F.O. to make peace much as I have helped the W.O. to make war.  In the sacred precincts I reminded my friend of this fact, and impressed upon him that the consolidation of the entente between Geraldine and myself was one of the most urgent political matters of the day.  He was undiplomatic enough to ask how he could help ...

I don’t want you to lose your awe of Diplomatic Bags, but there have been occasions when the Secret and Confidential Despatch consists of little more than a personal note from one strong silent man to another, touching on such domestic subjects as, say, a relative’s hat.  It was eventually, if arduously, arranged that in this instance the despatch should consist of the hat itself ...

My fascinating manner of greeting Geraldine on Victoria Station did not betray the fact that I had seen that arch-villain, George Nesbitt, installed in our train, looking terribly important.  George doesn’t want to marry any girl; every girl therefore wants to marry George.  I managed to hustle Geraldine into our carriage and get her locked in without her seeing George.  But George had seen her, and, not knowing that he doesn’t want to marry any girl and thinking that he wants to marry every girl, he firmly convinced himself (I have no doubt) that he was passionately in love with Geraldine as he travelled down to Folkestone in his lonely splendour.