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[Illustration:  Fond Parent (who has done pretty well in woollens).  “WELL, SONNY, WE’VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU THE BEST EDUCATION THAT MONEY CAN BUY.  AFTER ALL, YOU WON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING EXCEPT BE A GENTLEMAN.”]

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IF THE ARMY ADVERTISED.

BATTALION ORDERS.

(1) Duties, Officers.—­Orderly Officer for to-morrow:  Second-Lieutenant W. Jenks.

W. Jenks is prepared to undertake duty for any brother subaltern.  Terms—­one day’s pay, plus fifty per cent. for Saturdays or Sundays (handsome discount for cash in advance).  Sleepless activity.  Guards visited courteously but firmly.  Any unusual occurrence handled with precision and despatch.  Engage W. Jenks to do your duty, then sign your report with a clear conscience.  Testimonials from all ranks.

(2) Parades.—­0830 hours and 1130 hours, as per routine.

Hello!  Hello!!  Hello!!!  Come in your hundreds.  Amusing and health-giving.  Bracing barrack-square; magnificent pedestrian exercise.  Come and be experimented on by Sergt.-Major Whizbang, the great military spellbinder.  See the Adjutant put Company Commanders through the hoop.  Screams of laughter at every performance.  Best places in the ranks for those who arrive early.  Twice daily (Sundays excepted) till further notice.  Breakfast kept for those attending first house.

(3) Dress, etc., Officers.—­Attention is again drawn to recent instructions on these matters.

Why invite trouble when the local A.P.M. is simply yearning to advise you on points of etiquette?  A kindly benevolent man who never forgets that he himself was once a regimental officer.  He will tell you whether or not you may arm your aged grandmother across a busy London street without risking your commission.  If you favour whiskers, call and see his inimitable museum of permissible patterns.  Always at your service.

(4) Musketry.—­The next party to fire General Musketry Course will proceed on the 2nd prox.

The finest form of outdoor sport (for these who prefer it to any other) is shooting.  We are making up a little party to proceed to camp next week.  Will you join us?  Sylvan scenery; country air; simple wholesome diet; young and cheery society.  Cigars or cocoanuts every time you hit the bull’s-eye.  Practice at stray dogs about camp is encouraged.  Secure the skin of one of these beautifully-marked creatures for your own barrack-room bedside.

(5) Hair, Length of.—­The practice of allowing the hair to grow beyond the regulation length must cease.

Why suffer the inconvenience of long hair when our own regimental tonsorial artist is waiting to bob it for you free of charge?  Luxurious saloon; deft workmanship; no tips.  His speciality—­memento locks.  Twelve such souvenirs guaranteed from one crop.  Bald soldiers supplied to taste from surplus clippings.  A delicate, lasting and inexpensive compliment to lady friends on leaving a station.  Start collecting now.