Not mine the immemorial cure;
    The voice of conscience warns me off it;
  I’ll leave the following of the spoor
    To those who follow it for profit;
  I feel they would not thank me for
    Turning the jungle to a shambles,
  Who speculate in lions or
    Have elephantine gambles.

  And so this poet will not roam;
    Remaining on his native heath, he
  Will seek an anodyne at home,
    Nor look beyond the Thames for Lethe;
  And if he fades away, denied
    The usual balm in cardiac crises,
  Say only this of him, “He died
    A prey to soaring prices.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL.]

* * * * *

HOW TO ACT IN EMERGENCIES.

The Weekly Dispatch symposium, in which various celebrities discuss the way to act in the event of a burglar being found in the house, shows the need for a little advice in case of emergencies.  We append the following very helpful hints:—­

The old plan of offering a burglar a cigarette and asking him to take a chair while you telephone to the police is not now so successful as in the past.  The best plan is to tackle the fellow right away.  For this purpose you should step behind him, take hold of his coat and force it over his face.  Then tie his left arm to his right leg across the back.  Properly carried out, this method rarely fails.

* * * * *

To attract the attention of the young lady behind a post-office counter, fire a revolver three times in succession, using blank cartridges.  After first aid has been rendered to the attendants step up to the counter and purchase your stamp.

* * * * *

If you should be knocked down by a taxi, don’t be alarmed and try to creep out from under the thing.  And don’t blame the driver.  Apologise to him, and, as you are being carried away, shake hands and tell him that while it was his cab it was your fault.  Treated in this manner, drivers are not nearly so offensive when they knock you down the next time.

* * * * *

Should the telephone-bell ring in your house, don’t get excited.  Keep calm.  Remember General GRANT.  Remove the women and children to a place of safety, lift off the receiver and say, “Good Heavens!  Whoever can it be?”

* * * * *

Let us suppose that you are being attacked by a man with a chopper.  Wait until the weapon is well poised over your head.  Just as he begins the down stroke step aside smartly.  The hatchet will then be found buried in the ground.  This means that bygones are bygones.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “ARE THEY RISING THE DAY, SIR?”

“NO.”

“AH, WEEL, JUST BIDE A WEE.  THEY AYE TAK BEST IN THE COOL OF THE EVENING.”]