Can we have broken in on a conversation between Venus and Mars?
* * * * *
[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
PROFITEERING IN THE WEST END COMPELS MAYFAIR TO PUT
ON ANY OLD RAGS AND DO
ITS SHOPPING IN SHOREDITCH.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
“WILL YOU STAND BACK, SIR? YOU’RE SPOILING THE PICTURE.”]
* * * * *
A CONFLICT OF EMOTIONS.
(With the British Army in France.)
“I’ve seen rivetters at New York pie-foundries and stew-specialists on North Sea trawlers,” said Percival severely, “but I never realised how monotonous feeding could be till I got into a Mess controlled by Binnie.”
Binnie puffed his pipe severely, being of the tough fibre which enables Mess Presidents to endure. Frederick, who had been silent, rose from his seat, heaved a distressing sigh and left the room.
“There’s the moral that adorns the tale, you—you public danger!” continued Percival, indicating Frederick’s retreating figure. “Look to what a condition that once bright youth has been brought by your endless stews and curries.”
“Not a bit of it,” answered Binnie lightly. “Frederico could eat patent breakfast food and toasted doormats without taxing his digestion. His complaint is the tender passion. I recognise the symptoms.”
“It looks like an acute attack, anyhow,” said Percival, rising, “and prompt counter-irritants are indicated. But I’ll confirm your diagnosis first.”
Inside Frederick’s quarters the sound of regular and sustained sighing suggested that the sufferer was in the throes of a spasm of melancholy. Percival entered and narrowly escaped being drawn into the vortex of a particularly powerful inspiration.
“Freddy, old pard,” he said kindly, “why so triste? If the trouble’s financial, my cheque-book is unreservedly at your service. Havin’ no balance at the bank I’ve no use for it myself.”
“It’s not that—at least not worse than usual,” groaned Frederick.
“Then tell me all about it.”
“It’s a long story,” commenced Frederick.
“Let me off with a synopsis,” interrupted Percival.
“Once upon a time,” continued Frederick, “there was a big war, which made quite a stir in the daily papers and was a common subject of discussion in the clubs. There were many casualties, amongst them being a blithe young laddy who came down to the Base with a fractured maxilla caused by nibbling an M. and V. ration without previously removing the outside tin—or something of the sort. He was sent to hospital and devotedly tended by a Sister of exquisite beauty—such a figure and such hair! It wasn’t exactly auburn and not exactly burnished bronze—”
“And it wasn’t pale puce and it wasn’t ultramarine,” broke in Percival impatiently. “Tell me what it was, not what it wasn’t.”